Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

My Failed Bring a Trailer Application: The Spongebob Caprice

Trolling through Craigslist or eBay looking for weird classic cars is a treasured car guy pastime, and there’s a site called Bring A Trailer where people post choice finds. It’s a great site. Cuts out a lot of the chaff of trolling on your own.

A few weeks ago, Bring A Trailer put out a call for writers. As a writer and a car guy, I leapt at the chance to apply. I trolled our local Atlanta listings for a classic car, and located an absolute gem: a Spongebob-themed 1983 Chevrolet Caprice.

Here’s what I sent Bring a Trailer:

If Nautical Nonsense is Something You Wish…

By James Hodgson, jim@jimhodgson.com, @jimhodgson

Rapper Rich Boy blew the doors off 2007 with the RIAA certified platinum hit “Throw Some D’s,” but no one knew at the time just how prophetic the song would prove to be. In the lyrics, Mr. Boy muses:

Haters wish they could feel the wood in my 83,
Ridin’ with no tint so the [muppet fathers] know it’s me.

Unquestionably, Rich Boy was heralding the arrival of this tint-free Spongebob Squarepants themed 1983 Chevrolet Caprice Classic from Chattanooga, TN.

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Versed hip hop fans may quibble that Rich Boy was in fact musing about an 83 Cadillac, which is precisely (probably) why the Spongemobile’s Caprice Classic grille has been replaced with one from a Cadillac Fleetwood from the mid eighties era.

The Fleetwood may have sported a bangin’ grille, but Car and Driver’s 1983 Ten Best list tells the real story. The Caprice Classic was on that list alongside mainstays like the 5.0L Fox body Mustang, the Porsche 944, and the Rabbit GTI. It is your correspondent’s most dear wish for Spongebob themed versions of all of those. Please!

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The Caprice’s hood ornament has been tastefully removed, giving undisturbed sight lines and better aerodynamic flow. Note also the patina atop the grille’s leading edge, as well as the theme-matched front license plate reading “Neal’s Caprice” with a depiction of a marching Spongebob Squarepants himself. The seller doesn’t say whether he intends to keep the tag, but we assume it comes with the car.

He does note that there are “four 12” speaker in the trunk,” [sic] though whether they are installed or just rolling about loose back there is anyone’s guess. Let’s not forget that the 83 Caprice Classic boasted a cavernous 20.9 cubic feet. You could easily lose four 12” speaker in that kind of space.

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The interior is every bit as tastefully appointed as the exterior, boasting what appears to be a peacock leather dash, theme matching floor mats, and a security-enhancing detachable steering wheel.

The nature of the wired device at right of the above photo is a matter of some question, but there can be no question that the interior of this rolling (probably) masterpiece is an olfactory delight thanks to a brave string-mounted scented pine.

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Like big rims? You’re all set. And you won’t have any unsightly braking devices cluttering up your appreciation thereof, either, thanks to yellow discs obscuring them. We defy our readership to find rims more tasteful than these. Please don’t send photos. We’re defying you rhetorically.

Perhaps the best feature of this car, if it is possible to pick one, is that you don’t have to be a rich boy, let alone Rich Boy, to own it. It is advertised here on Craigslist for a mere $4500, with title marked “clean” and condition marked as an optimistic “new.”

 

As is unfortunately typical for my writing job applications, I received no response. Not “Thanks.” Not “No thanks.” Not “go pound sand.” Just no reply. Oh well. No accounting for taste, I guess.