Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

The Regular Guys Roast

On Friday night, I got to help roast The Regular Guys, an Atlanta morning radio show. It was a super fun event. I worked all last week on my jokes, with help from lots of friends. They went over pretty well, I’m happy to say. Here they are!

It is my unhappy duty to announce tonight that Rock 100.5 has flipped formats and is now a power pop station. Hold on, I’m getting a text… Nope, they just flipped again. Sports talk. [wrote this joke at the event, so I did it first since I was least rehearsed on it. It went so-so.]

I am delighted to be here, I don’t really get outside the city too much. When I’m crossing 285 I feel like a vampire at sunup. I was going to say here that you guys are making me reconsider, but you’re not.

When I look out over this crowd, it is with a sense of awe, that a big budget Atlanta media outlet manages to appeal to so few black people.

54% of the city’s population just says no thanks. That is amazing, guys.

I was a huge fan of the Regular Guys back in 04 when they got caught saying some naughty words and got kicked off the air. It ruined my mornings when that happened. So glad you’re back, guys.

Unfortunately, that summer I moved into a town called the present, where there was a thing called the iPod, so I have no idea what they’ve been up to since.

Of course I remember the roles these guys each play on the show, having been such a fan.

They’re like the Three Stooges, but instead of Larry, Moe, and Curly, it’s Smarty, Neck, and Whiny.

The person with whom I’m least familiar is Tim Andrews, although I gather that he, like me, lost a lot of weight. Congrats to you, Tim.

Speaking as a former 325 pound person, I can tell you it’s not easy. Overeating is like an addiction, but it’s worse, because you can never really quit. I’m gonna say that again. It’s like an addiction, but you can never really quit.

Heroine addicts bitch about how hard it is to kick, but it’d be a lot harder if they had to do a tiny bit of heroin three times a day for the rest of their lives. Pussies.

I probably identify most with Eric, because he’s able to read. He’s a little bit socially awkward, though, I hear.

He runs from interacting with listeners almost as fast as single women are running from Wachs. [abandoned this joke and didn’t tell it because I decided before show time that it was weak]

Now, I’m a southern boy, so I might have been raised differently to some, but I received a few pearls of wisdom from my father, a Vietnam veteran.

For instance: how do you know if there’s a pilot in the bar? He’ll come right up and tell you. [abandoned and not said due to being not my joke]

How do you know if there’s an asshole in the bar? He’ll be wearing a hat or sunglasses inside.

I don’t know that much about Larry Wachs’ personal life. Does anyone happen to know what religion this man is?

It’s not like he mentions it. Seriously, only Jesus is more Jewish. Sorry, Christians, I know that stings.

Probably the guy I’d most like to have a beer with is Southside Steve. He’s the rill dill.

People love to talk shit about a guy who gets laid, Steve, I know you don’t listen. Any grown man with a ponytail that long in this day and age clearly doesn’t give two shits what people think about him.

Even ponies think that thing needs a trim. [I didn’t actually say this because Marshall Chiles said this exact joke earlier in the show. Dangit.]

I hear you have a girlfriend now, Steve, which is great. I hear she’s just almost enough to remember when radio was relevant.

I watched last year’s roast videos on YouTube. Seemed like a long series of gay jokes to me. Even gays don’t talk about being gay that much.

I think it’s in poor taste to make fun of a man for his sexual orientation, something he cannot control, rather than something he can easily choose not to do, such as opening an enormous bar in a town just south of nowhere.

Truth is I’m jealous of these guys. Sure, they have to wake up really early, but all they have to do is sit around and talk shit for a couple of hours.

The only thing you guys have in common with real working people is you still think radio means something.

Some people say terrestrial radio has gone down like the Titanic. I say you’re only just now getting your feet wet.

Thanks to my friends at Rock 100.5 for inviting me to participate!