Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Pissing and Moaning

Urine trouble, mister.
Have you ever thought about how amazing it would be to actually piss and moan?

I’m not using the phrase “piss and moan” as a colorful way of describing complaint. I am describing the act of urinating whilst making protracted, wordless noises with one’s vocal chords.

You could do it because you’ve gotten bad customer service, or you could simply be cold, or hungry. Whatever the case, moaning loudly and simultaneously wetting yourself is a truly innovative approach, I feel, and it is a chief regret of my life that I have not tried it.

Of course, there are some drawbacks. For one thing, you have to piss yourself. I know some of us might be thinking we could just leave the bathroom door open, pee normally into the facilities, and moan down the hall, but trust me here. I’m pretty sure you have to piss yourself.

Let’s say you have received poor customer service, perhaps from a bar that refused you entry because you were wearing your favorite hat. You are obliged to twist your hat up, luckily a crushable fedora, and stick it into the back of your pants. Your friends are all inside; you can’t just go somewhere else. Then, when you get in, you notice all the bartenders are wearing tee shirts with the sleeves cut off and backwards ball caps.

What you want to do in that case is request to speak to a manager or other person of authority. State clearly your grievance and proposed resolution, and if your terms are refused, immediately piss and moan.

Imagine their haste to accomodate your needs when you look them right in the eye and moan from the depths of your soul, a dark wet patch spreading out from the crotch of your pants. Has there ever been a more succinct expression of displeasure? I doubt it.

No. Short of getting a large, colorful tattoo of the establishment’s logo, waiting for it to heal, and then slicing off the patch of skin and torching it in an elaborate ritual complete with whirling grass-skirted dancers and a bonfire, there’s no other way.

Trust me on this.