Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Three Fake News Articles, and a Short Sketch About Vacuums

I texted an idea for a fake news story that I had to Nick, and he responded a few hours later.

“What is wrong with you?” he asked, so I figured it had potential and wrote it out.

I remember watching a History Channel show about prison life in which a former prison hit man is talking about having to store his stabbing weapon up his backside. He referred to it as a “keister stash.” It’s kind of a terrible juxtaposition, you know, since being a hitman might be the most manly thing a man can be, while getting penetrated anally is arguably the least. You could see the conflict in the man’s face on the television.

That got me thinking about how uncomfortable it must be physically to carry a knife that way, and then I started thinking pragmatically about what a person might do to ease the discomfort.

And so, the idea of the dildo-handled shank was born. Here’s the full article:
“Prison Hitman Ostracized for Fashioning Dildo Handled Shank”

I’m also in the process of moving to an emerging neighborhood, which got me thinking: what must it be like to have a smartass move into your neighborhood and have the gall to refer to it as “emerging.” What a smug prick!

So, I wrote an article about that very thing:
“Emerging Neighborhood Emerging Too Slowly, Reports Homeowner/Victim”

And I was also tricked into watching Grey’s Anatomy by Cheryl, though I did get dinner out of the deal. That got me thinking about what other sorts of deception someone else’s Cheryl might engage in to get them to watch Grey’s, so I wrote an article along those lines as well.

It is here:
“Grey’s Anatomy Treachery Suspected”

I’m still working on my novel project, although I haven’t had a lot of time to get into it over the holidays, what with the eating and the drinking and the moving. December should be a strong month, ideally.

I also had an idea for a story today. It goes like this.

Two vacuums who are both standup comedians by trade are talking. The older, more established one is mentoring the younger newcomer.

“Listen,” the older vacuum says. “You’ve got to get the change jokes out of your act. Everyone does jokes about change. We’ve heard it all before. When you’re run over change it makes a lot of noise and just falls out again. We get it. That’s hack shit.”

The younger vacuum is hurt but tries not to show it. “Well, yeah but my joke is a play on words. We fear change. Get it? Change like money but also…”

Older vacuum cuts him off. “I get it, and I’m telling you it’s hack shit. What’s next? Mao Tse Tung? ‘Change must come from the barrel of a gun’?”

The younger vacuum looks as though this is a pretty decent premise for a joke he’d have happily included in his act had this conversation never occurred. The older vacuum senses that he’s not getting through.

Older vacuum tries again. “Did you look at the crowd out there?”

“Of course I looked. I thought it went-”

“Well it didn’t went. You bombed. You did not suck.”

“Aw, come on I totally sucked.”

The older vacuum realizes he is talking to himself. Not that he’s not being heard, but that he’s talking more to a younger version of himself that he sees in the younger vacuum than to the younger vacuum. He relaxes his attachments and leans back a bit. The younger vacuum senses the tension go out of the conversation.

“You know,” the older vacuum says, finally, “You’ve got a lot of promise, kid. You are going to be fine.”

3 thoughts on “Three Fake News Articles, and a Short Sketch About Vacuums”

  1. Patti Davis
     · 

    Are you kidding me? That was a fake article? Argggghhhhhhhhh, you got me!

  2. Justin
     · 

    I’ve been forced to watch Grey’s lately. Luckily my dvr won’t seem to record it. Sadly its on-demand. Can you believe what happened to Henry… ohh god. I may be terminal. As my friend you may have to put me out of my misery.

  3. Meetzorp
     · 

    The vacuum cleaner dialogue was aces. Hell of a setup for a joke about sucking. I dug it.