Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

All Photos of Politicians Contain Barely-Concealed Dicks, Recent Study Finds

[This is an Onion-style news article I wrote for The Leaky Wiki –jim]

Washington, D.C. — The world was rocked today by a new study which proves conclusively that all photos of politicians contain barely-concealed dicks, not just those that depict genitalia as was once thought. Set in motion with funding from a private entity, Democrats Over North Georgia, in hopes of protecting frisky public servants from further embarrassment on the heels of the Weiner scandal, the study took a mere six hours to complete.

Dr. Peter Pullman, leader of the study’s team, had this to say: “We looked at photos of politicians from all walks of life, at all levels, and ah… you know, it’s pretty much a forest of dicks.”

Dr. Pullman went on to note that his team includes three other PhD’s and six graduate students of diverse ethnicities and political backgrounds.

“At first we thought it was just a fluke, so we started asking anyone we could find to participate in the study,” says Pullman. “The result was always the same. Dicks as far as the eye could see.”

But Rep. Richard Likker (D-ME) doesn’t agree. “Come on now, we can’t all be dicks,” he said, speaking loudly on his cell phone while in line at the grocery store. “I mean, sure, I can be a little–lady can’t you see I’m on the fucking phone here?”

No other public servants could be reached for comment.

The far-reaching effects of the study remain to be seen, but Dr. Pullman and his team are resolute.

“We need more funding to determine what causes these people to become such dicks,” Pullman added with a heavy sigh. “Unfortunately, all my state and federal grants have been pulled and I am being audited as well, so it will have to wait.”