Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

A Web-Safe Typography Christmas Carol

Once, way back in the ass of history, there was an old miser named Scrooge, who due to his stuffy nature was represented by Times New Roman. Known behind his back as “that creaky old ass weasel”, and in some cases “Chief Douche of Douchylvania”, he was rude to everyone he met, not least of which being his poor employee, one mister Bob Cratchit.

Cratchit had a lot of interesting things to say, but as he was represented by the Helvetica typeface at all times, he was not, technically, web-safe. For this reason, his dialogue is redacted. We can, however, hear from his son, Tiny Tim, represented by the Arial typeface. Sadly, Tiny Tim suffered a birth defect, and has one lame leg, visible in his capital letter “R” glyph below:


There is still hope that Tiny Tim may yet grow to be represented by a proper typeface, but as his family doesn’t have the resources to license Helvetica, he’s stuck with Arial for the moment.

If only that crotchety — not to be confused with Cratchit-y — old ass weasel Scrooge would get up off of his wallet and help out a little bit. He won’t help, though. He’s just that much of a dick. So much of a dick, in fact, that he’s gone far beyond irritating the living straight into annoying the crap out of the spirit world.

Three such spirits have decided to take matters into their own hands. They’re haunting Scrooge!

Well, when I say “haunting”, what I really mean is “sending passive aggressive emails to” but hey, it’s 2010. That’s how things are done in the workplace nowadays.

TO: Scrooge, Xmas Present, XMAS FUTURE
FROM: Xmas Past
SUBJECT: You’re a dick
Hey, remember all those times you had fun? You used to enjoy this time of year and try to be nice to people. Too bad those days are gone, huh?

TO: Scrooge, Xmas Past, XMAS FUTURE
FROM: Xmas Present
SUBJECT: RE: You’re a dick
Yeah, look around, dude. Right now the Cratchits are having a good time eating a turkey the size of a baseball and all you have to keep you company is your money and your stale farts.

TO: Scrooge, Xmas Past, Xmas Present
SUBJECT: RE: You’re a dick

Thanks to this email chain, Scrooge realized the error of his ways, and started paying Cratchit a decent salary. Everyone was stoked that Scrooge had had a change of heart and finally decided to spend a little money, but things were still kind of awkward because he was old and weird.

This awkwardness was lost entirely on the young Tiny Tim, who turned to face the camera just before it faded to black and exclaimed…

Be excellent to each other!