Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

ABC Job Application: Hire me ABC!

As much as I love being a cycling blogger, it isn’t very lucrative. You might think that I am dictating this entry to a busty secretary with whom I abscond on weekends in my private jet made out of caviar. In reality, I work as a humble graphic designer and webular site curator, and spent a recent weekend with two nerds designing a web application named Caviar. It is a fine life, and I have no complaints, but I have nevertheless decided to give it all up in order to pursue employment at the Atlanta Bicycle Coalition.

As you already know, I hold their efforts in high esteem, and have been known to make things and volunteer my precious time to forward their organized raids. I’m not sure how the organized raids are helping to advocate cycling, but they’re a hell of a lot of fun.

When I heard that ABC is looking for a Bicycle Advocacy Coordinator, I knew that I was the man for the job, despite, lets face it, a slight qualification mismatch and a penchant for mounting one-man raids and calling them “advocacy”. You don’t want to know what I think of as “coordination”.

Nevertheless, let’s get down to the application process. Here is the job description:

The Atlanta Bicycle Coalition, in partnership with Georgia Bikes, Bike Athens, and the Savannah Bicycle Campaign was awarded a grant funded by Share the Road tags purchased by Georgia bicyclists. This position will contribute to efforts by this state network of bicycle organizations and advocates in developing a statewide approach to public education, awareness, and bicycle safety outreach. The network will contribute to the development of bicycling as a safe and accepted method of transportation, recreation, and fitness in Georgia.

Can you believe it? I’m probably already a signficant cycling advocate just by way of riding often and being good looking. Sounds to me like all I would have to do in order to make $16/hr for 20 hours a week is keep it up! That’s a like a million dollars a month, I think, but let me not get ahead of myself. There are a few skills and education requirements:

• Degree in urban/transportation planning and/or traffic engineering preferred
• Degree in public policy or public health welcome; business/pr/marketing degrees relevant
• Undergraduate degree required; masters preferred

Okay, that might be a slight stumbling block as I barely made it out of high school. I don’t have an undergraduate degree, let alone a master’s degree, but I have started wearing Degree, the deoderant. I think that should probably be sufficient. I’ll just put down “Hell yeah, Degree!” and hopefully they won’t ask about any particulars.

After all, I did go to college. I still have all the beer-sodden fraternity paraphernalia to prove it. If only I’d known that I could make $320 a week after just a few short years in a Master’s degree program, I might have stayed in school and not gone on tour with the Vomiting Lounge Chairs, my former punk band.

The job description also notes carefully that I must include a cover letter in my application email. I’m not sure how to email a cover letter, so I’m just adding a ton of spaces at the top of it in hopes that one blank page prints out first.

All I can say is that I would be an excellent choice to make your $320, ABC, and I look forward to war whooping in your offices within the coming days. Email me back!

3 thoughts on “ABC Job Application: Hire me ABC!”

  1. Paul Links

    Sadly… this is the pay/expectations of most employers out there. Champagne taste and a beer budget. Look at the bright side. Its about $20 week more than unemployment.

  2. Brian Tester

    Do they know you have an encyclopedic knowledge of, and can sing every song in the iTunes catalog?