Last night the news broke that Alberto Contador, winner of the Tour de France for the last three years and world class cheesy douche, had tested positive for clenbuterol. He claims that the result came from eating Spanish beef, that the detected amount is too small to ingest on purpose, and that pointing isn’t as rude as many people say it is.
I have heard some people say that the detected amount was 50 picograms, which is a trillionth of a gram. A typical red blood cell contains about 30 picograms of hemoglobin, if that gives you any idea of the amounts at play here. I don’t know much about math, let alone biology, mind you, but I think I got that right. Ok, truth be told, I never learned to count. Happy now?
What isn’t being covered is why anyone would be giving clenbuterol to cows in the first place. I’m not a veterinarian, which is probably why I find that part confusing. I can understand giving a breathing aid and a stimulant to a race horse, but not to a cow. Are there Spanish cow racing leagues?
Perhaps some animal advocates have been slipping performance enhancing drugs to the bulls in Pamplona, thus giving the bulls a better chance of goring a tourist in the hind parts during the running festivities, but I doubt that the meat Contador was served during the tour came from one of those bulls in any case.
Although I’m normally upset when yet another new rider goes through a doping scandal, this time I’m not and it’s for one very simple reason. I’m mad at Contador for beating Andy Schleck in the Tour this year and I kind of secretly hope that Contador cheated to win. That would mean that I was right to baselessly dislike him in the first place, and right is among my very favorite things to be.
This opens me up to some logical paradoxes. Shouldn’t it be enough just to win? Why does any champion need to concern himself with being likable in addition to being the first across the finish line? Where can I get some clenbuterol? I have no answers to these questions, I just know that it’s better when the winner wins with a little style, and when I say “better” I mean better for me.
The truth is I have nothing against Contador, and the facts as I’ve heard them so far are as murky as they usually are with any public scandal. Did he find a way to ingest a picogram of something? Is he running an illegal underground cow racing league? Did the little girl in the above photo kick him in the nuts immediately after the shot was taken?
These questions aside, what I really want is not for Contador, or any cows, to test positive for enhancements. What I really want is to see some good racing, and for the guys I’m pulling for to win. I think everyone involved feels the same way, and I think that this is all going to blow over without Contador suffering any ill effects.
Except, of course, when the cows take their revenge.