Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Alberto Contador: My Stomach is full of Beef

Last night the news broke that Alberto Contador, winner of the Tour de France for the last three years and world class cheesy douche, had tested positive for clenbuterol. He claims that the result came from eating Spanish beef, that the detected amount is too small to ingest on purpose, and that pointing isn’t as rude as many people say it is.

Contador demonstrates the best way to poke a pill into a cow's mouth. Reuters/Charles Platiau

I have heard some people say that the detected amount was 50 picograms, which is a trillionth of a gram. A typical red blood cell contains about 30 picograms of hemoglobin, if that gives you any idea of the amounts at play here. I don’t know much about math, let alone biology, mind you, but I think I got that right. Ok, truth be told, I never learned to count. Happy now?

What isn’t being covered is why anyone would be giving clenbuterol to cows in the first place. I’m not a veterinarian, which is probably why I find that part confusing. I can understand giving a breathing aid and a stimulant to a race horse, but not to a cow. Are there Spanish cow racing leagues?

Perhaps some animal advocates have been slipping performance enhancing drugs to the bulls in Pamplona, thus giving the bulls a better chance of goring a tourist in the hind parts during the running festivities, but I doubt that the meat Contador was served during the tour came from one of those bulls in any case.

Contador terrorizes children as well as cows and his fellow cyclists.

Although I’m normally upset when yet another new rider goes through a doping scandal, this time I’m not and it’s for one very simple reason. I’m mad at Contador for beating Andy Schleck in the Tour this year and I kind of secretly hope that Contador cheated to win. That would mean that I was right to baselessly dislike him in the first place, and right is among my very favorite things to be.

This opens me up to some logical paradoxes. Shouldn’t it be enough just to win? Why does any champion need to concern himself with being likable in addition to being the first across the finish line? Where can I get some clenbuterol? I have no answers to these questions, I just know that it’s better when the winner wins with a little style, and when I say “better” I mean better for me.

The truth is I have nothing against Contador, and the facts as I’ve heard them so far are as murky as they usually are with any public scandal. Did he find a way to ingest a picogram of something? Is he running an illegal underground cow racing league? Did the little girl in the above photo kick him in the nuts immediately after the shot was taken?

These questions aside, what I really want is not for Contador, or any cows, to test positive for enhancements. What I really want is to see some good racing, and for the guys I’m pulling for to win. I think everyone involved feels the same way, and I think that this is all going to blow over without Contador suffering any ill effects.

Except, of course, when the cows take their revenge.

4 thoughts on “Alberto Contador: My Stomach is full of Beef”

  1. Justin
     · 

    I believe “clen” is used to promote lean beef in bovine persuasion. Not for racing… although have you seen the chick-fil-a cows lately… We should test them for doping.

  2. stimpsonjkatz
     · 

    Just to give you an idea of the tiny amount we are talking about…

    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32450588/ns/business-personal_finance/

    90% of all USA bills are contaminated with cocaine at an amount of .006 micrograms or more. Thats 6000 picograms. Lets say you have two $5 bills on you right now. Chances are you are in posession of more than 12000 picograms of cocaine (minimum). The police could arrest you and prosecute you for being “in possession of cocaine.” Contador had 50 picograms of of clenbuterol in his system….

  3. kingkool
     · 

    I am surprised they even considered this a ‘positive’ test. I dont know how this drug is metabolized or how it enters the system, but its such a small amount. I mean, what if a woman uses an inhaler and then kisses him? Or a waitstaff uses an inhaler while preparing his food? Its just such a minuscule quantity. Honestly, if this is the quantity that is now considered a positive test, I wouldnt be surprised to see nefarious athletes start to spike drinks, pay chefs to lace food, pay women to seduce men while wearing laced lipstick (especially in cycling where personal hate runs high and moral scruples low). Its just such a small amount that it would ridiculously easy to put that kind of tiny quantity inside someone elses body.