Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

All The Shawtys Be Like “Damn, 700c”

I don’t mind telling you that T Pain has been a personal hero of mine, ever since Cheryl mentioned him to me on our first date. We were going to brunch and discussing our choices for Halloween costumes. I said I was fashioning my own Godzilla costume, and she said that she intended to dress as T-Pain.

“Who?” I said.

“T Pain…?” she said, trailing off in that special way that women trail off to let you know that you’re being a clod.

“Oh, yes, T PAIN, of course. Heh. Right.” I said, in that special way I have of being a clod.

I changed the subject then, but after brunch I went home and researched Mr. Pain, which is how I found out that he teamed up with the King of R&B (R. Kelly) to produce this masterpiece.

Pay close attention to T Pain’s verse in this song. The very first words go like this:
When I roll up to the club
All the shawty’s be like “Daaaamn, 28’s”

As you can see from this chart constructed by the late great Sheldon Brown, T-Pain is most likely making a thinly-veiled reference to the typical rim size for a road bike, 700C:

T Pain is 100% right about this. When you roll up to the club on a bicycle, especially one as exotic as my Pegoretti bar bike, all the shawtys do indeed be like “Damn”. Girls love bikes, people, almost as much as they love being flirted with by cyclists with one pant leg rolled up and a sheen of perspiration on the skin. This is normal and healthy and as the world should be.

Some people, however, are taking things a bit too far when it comes to mixing sexuality and bicycles, as this Craigslist advertisement found by my esteemed colleague The Bobbler will illustrate:

used bike seat – $175 (atlanta)

i have a used bike seat for sale,it is very used ,, thats why im selling it,, the sparkly , shinny plastic is worn all the way off in the front.

Now, $175 is expensive for any bicycle seat, even one that is “pre-aged” such as this one appears to be. As we all know, new things cost a certain amount of money, and new things that look old cost just a little bit more. For example, a “pre-aged” Brooks B-17 costs only $140, and it comes with a whole lot of cool.

The seat in the Craigslist ad just comes with a whole lot of awkward, and no small amount of creepy as well, but the poster shouldn’t be judged too harshly because he or she is not a cyclist and thus is not privy to our ways. I can tell because the ad is for a “seat” not a “saddle”, and also because there are a lot of extraneous commas dotting the text of the ad. Cyclists never over-punctuate.

Perhaps I’m just being optimistic about the positive effects of my bike on shawtys, but as I look ahead to the weekend, I see good things. If you see me pulling up to the club, shawtys, be warned.

You’ll be like “Damn!”