I have been asked to keyboard a race report about the recent weekend of professional level racing at Dick Lane Velodrome (presented by Thomsen LTD) in which I just took part on Friday and Saturday. You may recall that I wrote a little bit already about the races before I attended.
Unfortunately I am ill-equipped to write such a report because I do not remember any of it after the first race started. The pro racers and myself all rolled off the boards at the start line as per usual, but then they stood up on their pedals as one and accelerated to speeds that economy cars dare to dream of. That’s when my memory becomes mercifully dim. I can see from the results that my performance was demonstrably the same as would have been that of a legless chihuahua in a flowerpot had he found himself entered in the race, but as for a first-hand account I am at a loss.
I believe this to be a feature of my ego. Such is its power over me and my view of the world that if I experience intense shame it steps in and unplugs my memory until I am myself again. This happened with great regularity in my heavier drinking days, which led to some awkward discussions about first names and clothing locations in the mornings.
As of the weekend’s racing, however, I can say authoritatively that professional riders are a lot faster than I am. Along the same lines, Jupiter is larger than I am, and the Sun is hotter.
What I do remember about it is that my teammates all performed exceptionally. Chris Kelly and Jason Atwood rode to fourth and sixth places in the B omnium, respectively, and my Madison partner Justin Barber snagged a few points in the A category races as well. Paul Bennett nearly swept the C category, finishing just one point out of first place behind Birmingham, AL invader Anthony Eaker, who is even now being thrown to the weasels by my henchman for his insolence.
Even the enigmatic Greggory Rothmeier participated. Well, I say “participated”. Really he sent a postcard to the velodrome with a crude drawing of someone’s naked buttocks scrawled upon it, but it is clear that he was thinking of us.
All kidding aside, I’m thinking of my warrior brothers Daniel Broshar and Chris Orosco of the Georgia State cycling team who went down on the track in a shower of sparks during the Madison Time Trial race. Thankfully neither was gravely injured, though Chris required a few stitches and was done racing for the day. Daniel soldiered on, but it always sucks to see people get hurt. Here’s hoping for a speedy recovery to both of them so that they can continue to be faster than I am next year and into the future beyond.
And speaking of the future, there are but a few days left of refined track racing before we once again are forced to hang up our bikes and prepare for the coming cyclo-cross season. The training regime I have devised for this consists of running frantically down the street while packing handfuls of freezing cold mud down our shorts. Please, if you see this in action, there is no need to call the cops, though we thank you for your interest in our sport.
Look for even more exciting racing next year at the Velodrome from the men of Faster Mustache. Until then, I’ll probably even let these guys talk me into falling off a mountain bike or two.