Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

The Clothes Make the Bike

Someone once told me that if you want to know if a man is well dressed, look down. I tried this on myself, and realized that I’d left the house with my fly unzipped, but I think in general it means that you should check to see if the man in question is atop an acceptable bicycle.

Like clothes, everyone has their own opinions about what constitutes acceptability in a bike, and people of differing opinions will vehemently argue their side ad infinitum, which is latin for “even though no one cares”.

Consider the following photo, which features a lady of scant clothes in the foreground, and some bicycles in the background. I have used a popular image manipulation program to hide her shameful nudity and greenish tattoos behind a ball gown, and also to detract less from the real focus of the photo, which is the bikes.

In a minute, baby, let's see the bikes first

Normally I would have some disdain for a beach cruiser style bike, especially one with a step-through frame, but if Scant Clothes Lady (SCL) lives near the beach, that bike would suddenly find itself totally acceptable. Being in a state of undress on the internet, however, is acceptable no matter where you live these days, since the sex tape is slowly taking the place of the resume. In fact, I lifted the above photo from SCL’s LinkedIn account.

Some people play dress up with their bikes as well as themselves, as demonstrated by this sultry off-fender number on another step-through frame:

I think it’s probably wise to keep the clothes off your bicycle and on yourself unless you’re certain that its naked time. Should you want to prance around in a $5500 tailored three-piece suit made especially to be bicycled in, however, it seems that Rapha in conjunction with Tommy Everest can help you with that. I might spend that money on a bicycle and just wear my team kit to ride it as per usual, though, but I can’t even be relied upon to zip up my gentleman’s flap, so what do I know?

In fact, one of the best things about cycling bibs is that they do not have a fly for me to mistakenly leave open, much as one would come in handy sometimes. It would be nice not to have to perform the maneuver that I call the “Hunch-n-Flop” whenever nature calls, but life is fraught with tradeoffs, I suppose.

Hm, I should do a detailed series of instructions on the Hunch-n-Flop. It could be the contribution to cycling as a whole that my lackluster racing is not!