Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Velodrome Time Trials: Shut up, Ass!

Well, my ass is at it again. Last night, down at Dick Lane Velodrome, I leaped aboard my track bike to try my luck on a 2k time trial, followed by a 4k time trial, and my ass immediately made it known that it was having none of it by hurting like hell. I don’t know if I have a saddle position problem, or merely a lazy ass, but this bodes not well.

I wonder if my primary care physician has any tests for ass malaise. I went in last year and three nurses attached about a dozen electrodes to me and measured all sorts of statistics about my heart, which is a throbbing fist of muscle. It’s really just a small, specialized ass cheek when you get right down to it. Maybe they can attach the machine to my hind parts and draw some conjectures about its motivation level.

Of course, I think we all know how Jens Voigt would handle this.


Back in my race last night, it was in that spirit of brute force mastery of one’s own muscles that I powered through the 2k time trial as hard as I could. It didn’t feel smooth or polished, but I did feel like I’d done the best I could given the circumstances, those being, chiefly, irascible butt cheeks. After I rested a while and regained the powers of speech, I talked to the gentleman who was timing our efforts, himself a former champion track racer.

He told me that to describe my pedalstroke as “a monkey humping a football” would be kind.


Compounding my concern is the fact that I have invited my non-cycling friends to come down to the velodrome tonight and see the bike racing that we do every Wednesday. It was my birthday yesterday, but I thought this would be a fun way to celebrate a day late. It’s always nice to have people watch the races, but now I’m concerned that my ass will refuse to work properly, thus making an even bigger fool of me than usual.

It occurs to me that cycling is very much like dating. It is fraught with discomfort, requires one to wear outlandish costumes and risk looking like a bit of a buffoon, but for some reason we stick with it anyway.

Well, what else can I do in this life? It’s just me and this bedamned unmotivated ass, trying to get through the best we can.

2 thoughts on “Velodrome Time Trials: Shut up, Ass!”

  1. spt

    Never got your email invite for the track tonite….do you know how to spell my name/email?

  2. jim

    Apparently I do not.