Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Masks of Pain: Faster Mustache Sprints!

If you haven’t had a chance to check out the Omnium Riders to Watch: Mustache Edition post from yesterday, it may behoove you to do so before you read this update. Also please note that the word “behoove” does not mean “give hooves to”. There is no way that that this blog will make you have hooves, no matter how bad it gets.

Cloven feet aside, it was a great night of sprinting and bike racing at the Dick Lane Velodrome last night for Faster Mustache. We started off with the 200m sprint competition, which is essentially a time trial to see how fast you can ride that distance. It is a little known fact that one’s ability to disfigure one’s face in a mask of pain is the true measure of a track superstar. It has almost nothing to do with strength or bike riding ability.

From Left in FM kits, Myself, Justin Barber, Chris Kelly and a pre-detonation Greggory Rothmeier. Not pictured: Jason Atwood, Sasquatch. Photo by Jon Woodroof.

I was the slowest FM rider to take the track, and after extinguishing my meerschaum pipe and boarding my pink penny farthing (complete with flowing streamers), I managed to make it around the track in a leisurely 13.76 seconds, my face barely showing any signs of pain. I admit that my 200m sprinting face needs work, but at least I didn’t drop my monocle.

Next fastest was Justin “the Bieb” Barber, whose face appeared approximately the same as someone who might be receiving a “tramp stamp” style tattoo on his lower back. He showed the telltale signs of discomfort, but not unmanageable amounts. This may be because he has a tramp stamp and is well used to that style of pain, but is more likely due to the pain-defeating strength of character with which any FM rider is imbued. He rounded the track in 13.45 seconds.

Faster still was Jason Atwood, famous for devising a means of converting any kind of food product into Jason Atwood. His face twisted into a knot of flesh and bone so horrific that the very air split ahead of him, and hot snakes roiled out of the smoking trail that was his wake. The snakes themselves were on tiny bicycles, it turned out, which was pretty interesting to see in and of itself. Jason rounded the track in 13.42 seconds.

Gregg Rothmeier appeared in a puff of smoke, boarded a bicycle, and then immediately exploded. Despite this, he managed to get a time of 13.29 seconds.

Last and fastest of all was Chris Kelly, who comes to us from a Tibetan monastery whose sole purpose is the study of horrific face disfigurement. So horrible was the guise of terror into which he was able to arrange his features that all plant life within one meter of his passage wilted and became severely depressed. Two car tires in the parking lot popped as he ripped the very fabric of spacetime, and as an odd side effect, everyone in attendance turned to the person closest to them and simultaneously exclaimed, as one voice “Gadzooks!”. He turned in a time of 12.79 seconds, the 11th fastest time of the day.

After the time trials were completed, the match sprints began. As our only rider in the top 12, Chris put in an excellent showing against his matched sprint racing adversary, Tim Henry. Henry was just able to edge by Chris, but it was a very close race, especially considering that Tim Henry is a professional rider, and Chris has hooves. Chris also took 5th in the 5 lap répechage, which is a style of racing which requires riders to unwrap and then re-wrap Christmas presents.

Barber and Atwood both won points in the B category 5 lap scratch race, with Barber taking the win and Jason Atwood rounding out the bunch sprint in 4th, and I managed to squeak around the track on my pink penny farthing to take second place in the C category, getting beat at the line by Dennis Decker, whom I now despise with every fiber of my being (I have four).

Shortly after that, some ominous clouds rolled in and the sky began to pee. As it is unsafe to ride the track when it is wet with sky pee, and it was too late in the evening to hope that the track would dry, Jeff Hopkins, Operations Manager of the Velodrome, announced over the loudspeakers that everyone should get the hell out.

So it was to bed for the Faster Mustache riders. Hopefully we all got our due rest, as we have a full day of racing ahead of us. Join us at the velodrome today and see what our team can do!

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