Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Omnium Riders to Watch: Mustache Edition

I’ve just had a chance to look over the Omnium Riders to Watch post at the Dick Lane Velodrome site, and while it is a pretty accurate overview of what some of the top riders will be up to, it does not tell the whole tale.

I’m glad to see my friends Jon Woodroof and Daniel Banks represented, but there are a lot of riders who are in the lower classifications who will be every bit as fun to watch as those fancy-pantsed pro and A-level riders are. After all, we are all going to be riding in the same circle, those guys are just, you know, better at it.

Of chief concern to me, because I am selfish, are my Faster Mustache teammates, Chris Kelly, Jason Atwood, and Justin Barber. Though they refuse to shave their legs and as a result would normally not be welcome in my home, they are my brothers in cycling and that trumps pretty much everything. Here’s a short guide on who to watch out for from FM:

Chris Kelly, now in his second year of riding at the velodrome, is a regular in the top finishes, and also likes riding mountain bikes for some stupid reason. I keep trying to tell him that he might as well just whack himself on the kneecap with a hammer and toss some dirt into his drivetrain, thus saving a few hours otherwise wasted on falling off a mountain bike into rocks and sticks, but this wisdom, so far, goes unheeded.

Still, he’s fast. He’ll be wearing number 96, so look out for him on a white bike with Kazane wheels.

Jason Atwood, inventor of the rotary engine, was raised by wolves, which explains his abundance of leg hair. Jason is a guy who really likes his job, which means he doesn’t waste any energy during the day on stress that could be put to greater use on a bike.

Look for Jason, easily discernable by his height, on a gray bike. I forgot his number.

Justin Barber, often mistaken for teen pop idol Justin Bieber, is one of Faster Mustache’s great hopes for track glory in the B category this weekend. Currently sitting in second place overall in the points standings behind Daniel Banks, Barber is a man who is not afraid to ride hard, love fast, or hurt himself late at night.

Barber rides number 13. He stares death in the face and asks “Wait… what?”

working on my smile Yours truly, Big Papa. I will be glad just to make it through the weekend without making a complete and utter fool of myself. I make no guarantees, but I’ll definitely be on a bike and will almost certainly ride in the correct direction.

I will be wearing number 69, because I think that sort of thing is funny.

Grigglesberger F McGrigglecuddy III, ESQ. will not be seen. Should you see this man on or near a bicycle, it is very likely because someone has thrown it at him when he wasn’t looking, or he has lost a bet.

Once, at dinner with his girlfriend, three spaghetti noodles were arranged into the vague shape of a bicycle merely by the random chaotic chances of the universe, and he flatly refuses to eat any form of pasta since.

That about wraps it up for your Faster Mustache rider guide. Come on down to the track this weekend and watch us ride until our little hearts scream for mama!

7 thoughts on “Omnium Riders to Watch: Mustache Edition”

  1. pamela
     · 

    I do miss seeing Mr. Griggey Rothmcier racing.

  2. bob donlan
     · 

    Bob Dornlan: Aka “elliot from ET” and that guy who gets last in the D races. Hopefully will be attending and watching from the stands or infield(but the infield makes me dizzy watching races).

  3. Emily
     · 

    lolses. be sure to do a rider guide for CX season too.
    Good luck guys!!

  4. Eric
     · 

    Hilarious!

  5. Eric B
     · 

    Too funny…quite the wordsmith there Big Papa.