Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Invisible Stains

It is an unfortunate and vexing feature of stains that they have the power of invisibility while the garment upon which they are lurking is still in my home. I never detect their presence until I am, say, about to walk into a meeting. At that point I will just happen to glance downward at my shirt and notice that there is a coffee stain in the exact shape of a gentleman’s reproductive equipment in the middle of it. Then I will say a bad word.

Oh don’t mind me, friends. I just have a brown wang on the ol’ shirt here. My bad.

I think I need to purchase a brighter bulb for my bathroom light or something. Or perhaps I could train a dog to be a stain detector.

I would change my morning routine from just standing in the mirror and giving myself a pep talk to standing in front of a mirror and then being examined by a dog with a magnifying glass.

For those interested, the pep talk looks a lot like this:

So it was that yesterday, late for a conference at which I am presenting here in Atlanta, I happened to look down just before I walked into the building and see a coffee stain. Thankfully it was in the shape of Belgium, not anything offensive. It was relatively light in hue, which made me think that the stain itself has seen at least one trip to the cleaner’s. I wasn’t imagining it, though.

I walked in and received my credentials which were to hang around my neck on a cord, and I thought my problems were solved. The name tag would hang over the stain and I would never be detected as a person who merely pours his coffee in the direction of his face and hopes for the best.

I looped the cord around my neck, but it was far too short to save me from the stain. In fact, the stain was only accentuated by the proximity of my name tag. I then forcefully hissed a word which I would be ill-advised to type here. I assumed all was lost, but I was then led to the security guard’s booth where I was given another tag to hang around myself! The second one obscured the stain perfectly!

Thank you, universe. Once again I was nearly indistinguishable from someone with basic human capability.

Today I’m going to the same conference, but I am wearing a shirt that I bought this weekend. I haven’t had much time to stain it yet. Unfortunately I don’t have a dog with a magnifying glass, but I might try standing around in front of my neighbor’s cat before I go just to see what her reaction is.

Okay, cat. Sit there and look smug if I my clothes are clean.

3 thoughts on “Invisible Stains”

  1. bob donlan

    Solution: Don’t drink Coffee.

  2. jim

    But Bob, coffee is good. Coffee is pleasing to Jims.