Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Giving Good Phone

I find it really annoying that my landlord’s employees answer the phone and do not give their names. Everyone else in the world who has to answer the phone for work says something along the lines of “Business Name, this is Chad, how can I help?”

Then I say “Hi Chad, this is Jim, how are you?”

Note that after I say this, I pause and wait to hear how Chad is doing. That’s an important step that a lot of people skip.

I do this because in my younger days I had to work at a job answering the phone for people and I know how jerky people can be. I want to establish a little miniature friendship with whoever answers the phone because, after all, I need their help with something. I’d also like to be on friendly terms with my landlord because I live here.

My landlord’s employees answer the phone by saying the business name and that’s it. By doing this, they let me know that they’re not interested with a relationship with me that doesn’t involve a check written out to them.

They might as well just pick up the phone and fart into it, far as I’m concerned.

Hi this is Ji-- OH GOD MY FACE

For all I know they are working closely with research scientists to find a way to get a big red boxing glove on a spring to shoot out of my cell phone and punch me square in the face every time I call them up. It would go like this:

1. Call landlord
2. They pick up, I hear a fart noise
3. This gives me pause, whereupon I get jacked in the face by a cartoonish boxing glove
4. Someone says “BRT Properties.”
5. I hang up and go and live in the god damned woods.