Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Dog Sarcasm

I was walking along, minding my own business.

I think that’s what people say when they want to set themselves up as the target of some action. It’s a phrase meant to paint them as a calm observer, just going about their lives with nary an unkind deed or thought toward anyone. That was me, just walking along the sidewalk toward the coffee shop.

I went inside, purchased a cup, and went around to the bank of metal coffee holders. I surveyed the chalk board on the wall which displayed the names of the coffees to choose from. There was a pretty girl standing there, waiting on some baked goods.

I chose the coffee whose description was “Sweet & Rich”, and pulled the plastic handle that makes the robot metal coffee holder pour its delicious contents into my cup.

“Sweet and rich,” I said to the girl. “That’s me.”

She giggled, I smiled, and then I walked off to fix my coffee the way I like it with various ingredients. I walked outside and headed toward home again.

That is how a visit to the coffee shop should go: get in, place an order, flirt with a pretty girl, get my cup of coffee, leave.

I was smiling and walking and generally just enjoying myself when I noticed a dog leashed to a metal pole. I made some smoochey sounds at it so that it could share in my good mood, but — swear to god — it gave me a sarcastic look! I stopped in my tracks and looked again, and I was not mistaken. I was definitely getting attitude from that dog. I frowned and stalked away.

What the hell, dog? Can’t you see I’m trying to spread some of my good humor to you? What’s with the look?

Jeez! We really have some judgmental dogs in this neighborhood.

Later on, I happened to see one of the girls who works at the coffee shop out and about, and she confirmed that that location of their shop is lots more judgmental as a whole.

Of course, she was talking about the people as being a little uptight, but I think that dogs are a reflection of their owners. Anyone who has ever lived with an angry roommate or live-in-special-someone can tell you that moods get transmitted quickly. Surely it must be the same for pets.

I should have waited around with that dog to see what sort of person the owner was, but he or she may have stabbed me or punched me in the face or something.

I might have gotten off easy with just a sarcastic look from the dog.