Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Secret Identity: Let’s keep it that way

There has been a lot of talk about the dangers of identity theft. Apparently anyone can grab your personal info out of a landfill and use it to take out loans, empty your bank account, or perform sex acts with your wife or girlfriend, and when they do, the burden is on you to prove to the bank that you’ve been robbed. The girlfriend will probably also require some backstory, although I’m told that identity thieves are passionless lovers.

In this climate of fear about potential identity thieves and lackluster sex, many companies — banks, telecommunications companies, schools — use social security numbers to identify us from one another. Then they happily print up paper statements seemingly every fifteen minutes and send them to my mailbox, leaving me to furtively dispose of them lest evildoers find them and trade on my good name.

That’s why it was such a shock to see the television commercials from a company known as LifeLock.


Well, it turns out that Todd Davis, the guy who posted his social security number everywhere to make the point that his company kept him totally safe, had his identity stolen no less than 13 times.

The truth strikes again!

It’s lucky for Todd Davis that he didn’t start a company protecting people from whackings with a golf club or he’d be battered beyond recognition by this point, and that’s leaving out the repeated awkward intimacy his wife would have had to endure.

One wonders how a business that doesn’t seem to offer anything at all could stay afloat. I mean, if it’s easy enough to use someone’s social security number to get free stuff, and Todd Davis’s company can’t even protect their CEO from the crime, then I am starting to suspect that most of his customers weren’t in much danger of having their identities stolen in the first place.

Having said that, my local Atlanta Police Department does have an entire FAQ section on Identity Theft (it’s at the bottom), so that would make it seem to be a pretty common occurence.

I’ve been lucky to avoid this crime so far, and I hope I stay lucky. I don’t plan to put my social security number on TV or drive around with it written on the side of a truck either, though, so that should add an extra layer of safety.

Now if you will excuse me, I have purchased a goat and I’m trying to get him to eat my financial documents. So far he’s only headbutted my Xbox.

Down, Xerxes! Down!