Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Making our Mark

There is something inescapably satisfying, as a male, about marking your territory. It just feels good to look at the mark you’ve made, especially if its in a public place, and say “I did that”.

That’s why I’m pioneering a whole new form of graffiti where I affix handmade canvas flags that bear my family’s crest to things. Simply spray painting or slapping a sticker on something is for punks.

Hugh Heffner, a man after whom I model my own life in addition to Frank Sinatra and James Bond, understands this spirit. Although he’s already made an indelible mark on the sexuality of America, when he heard that the famous Hollywood sign was in danger of being encroached upon by developers, he ponied up $900k to help bridge the gap to the $12.5M mark the sign needed to survive… uh, unmolested.

There are rumors that Heff, in his old age, was confused by the “OO” in “Hollywood” and thought he was merely shelling out money for yet another pair of breasts, but the important thing is that the sign is saved.

Actually these goings on have given me a really great idea for some future improvements to the Atlanta area’s famous Stone Mountain.

Apparently the wild urge to mark one’s territory is not limited to the male mind, however, as a woman in Cape Coral, FL was arrested recently for peeing on clothes in Wal-Mart. She was so determined to leave her mark that she left her driver’s license behind as well.

Maybe she thinks she is a cat, but that doesn’t really explain the driver’s license. If the cops were able to distract her with a laser pointer, then we’d know for sure.