Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Happy April Pregnant’s Day!

Well, it appears that I’ve gotten through the whole April Fool’s mess relatively unscathed, although as a reclusive hermit with precious few social entaglements, I weather these trouble spots on the calendar like a clipper ship in safe harbor.

For people who are in relationships, however, the April Fool’s holiday presents an opportunity to convince your significant other of all manner of things so that you can gauge their reaction for a few minutes. Then all you have to do is say “April Fool’s” and everything is okay again and no one is upset or wary.

I have something to tell you. Sit down... I'm pregnant. Haha, just kidding, I'm gay!
I have something to tell you. Sit down... I'm pregnant. Haha, just kidding, I'm gay!

Halloween has a similar power. It’s a well-documented holiday when girls are free to dress as “naughty” versions of whatever they have lying around the house, but in my opinion they have undergone an undue share of scrutiny for this practice. Guys are no less guilty of shamelessly exploiting the idea of a costume in order to be scantily clad, or better yet, scantily cross dressed.

April Fool’s is similar, but instead of attempting to entice new dating partners by showing skin or putting your sexual orientation into question, you can fly into the rage you’ve always envisioned. This can be great fun, but has no tactical advantage. Much better to gain some otherwise unobtainable intelligence by pretending to be pregnant.

If you’re male, you’re kind of stuck with coming up with an actual joke. It sucks, I know.

But back to you, ladies. If you should actually happen to turn up pregnant for real, you’ll get to experience the rush of telling your significant other the news. You’ll then follow this by judging his reaction intensely and in minute detail, thus gaining insight into his meaningful inner self that couldn’t be gained by just getting to know him or listening to what he says.

Sadly you’ll then have to actually have the child and feed and clothe it until it is old enough to get a job at the age of twelve, which can be a real drag.

With the magic of April Fool’s, however, you can just pretend to be pregnant, get on with the scrutinizing of his reaction, and then tell him it was all a joke with zero repercussions whatsoever! Oh, happy day!

Guys, you can try telling people you are gay to judge their reaction in the event that you should ever come out of the closet, but the pregnancy scare has an advantage in that it is a medically testable condition. Being gay is not.

Remember it this way: people typically don’t maintain many-years-long suspicions that a girl is secretly pregnant.

Be safe out there, friends, and try to be nice to one another.