Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Go Forth, My Brothers, and Annoy

As should be widely known to every man, there are few things more enjoyable in life than annoying the women around you. Speaking for myself, this great pleasure started with annoying my little sister.

Even now she has a deep-seated hatred for and fear of feet that she attributes directly to me. I guess I had a habit of placing my stinky feet near her when we were kids. The details are lost to history… unless, of course, you ask my sister about it.

Hear the rustle of my wings, and the cold hand of regret will grip your heart. --Vulture of Shame

She is no doubt of the opinion that the Vulture of Shame owes me a somber feathery visit on that score, but I’m having none of it. He can mope around somewhere else.

Nowadays my sister is a grown woman with a family of her own. She’s expecting her second child as I type this, which is great because it means I get to be an uncle to more people. One cannot, as far as I can tell, have too many nieces, especially since it is looking ever more likely that I will remain a bachelor until I am someday shot into the sun.

This is my preferred method of burial. I hope you’re listening, family.

So, my sister is grown up, responsible, respectable, and the matriarch of her own growing tribe. As such, I feel it would reflect poorly on me to continue to pester her for my own enjoyment. So, I must go out into the world and meet new girls to date and to annoy.

Some have postulated that my dating habits are, in and of themselves, annoying, but those people are not to be listened to and are at this moment being loaded into a truck bound for the crocodile vats.

I call to you, my brothers, my fellow single men. I say let us annoy our women even as we care for and protect them! Let us seal up the car windows and turn the heat on high when we feel the onset of a trouser cough. Let us slap them on their bottoms and refer to them as a “little filly”, and most importantly, let us weather the consequences of our actions without even the whisper of an apology.

Unless, of course, it looks like thine sex couldst be withheld. Useth thine own judgement.