Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Hipster Swami with a Touch of Steve Jobs

I have long believed that I have the ability to tell the future. Some people call it Déjà Vu, or possibly merely ålcøhól åbüsé, but I’ve always secretly believed that I can see events before they have the courtesy to transpire.

My powers, however, are not very focused. I cannot say for sure, for instance, upon meeting a fine young woman, whether she will run away immediately or go out with me for a while and then run away. That’s what makes dating so fun: the mystery of it all.

Having said that, this time is different. Yes, ladies and gentlemen of the internets, I would like to make a prediction. But first, here’s how this glimpse into the future came to me:

I was reading a “webbed page” this morning which claimed that a thing known as the iPad is on sale for pre-order, and as I read those words, I slipped into a kind of trance.

First I felt dizzy. Then a latte appeared in my hand, and just as I was marvelling at that, I realized that I was wearing a Steve Jobsian black turtleneck. I put my free hand to my head in shock, and the sleeve of my black turtleneck pulled back slightly to reveal a sparrow tattoo on my wrist. Yes, all the signs were there. I had become the Hipster Swami with a touch of Steve Jobs. I felt the urge to get on the internet and purchase a pair of skinny leg jeans, and it was strong. I had to fight it!

No! I screamed at myself. You are too fat for skinny leg jeans!

In the midst of this fatness/hipster fracas, my vision swam, but out of the murk appeared an image of an internet douche holding an iPad to his face. I moaned these words: “Someone, hnnnng…. someone will make a video of themselves trying to talk into the iPad hrrr… as though it were… an iPhone!”

Actually I just said it in my head in the normal voice that I use to talk to myself (a high-pitched shriek), but that isn’t very mystical.

I collapsed into a sweaty heap, physically exhausted, but smiling, because I didn’t really have a sparrow tattoo. I was my old self again, but those words stuck with me. This vision will come to pass in the coming months, my friends, have no doubt.

For what it’s worth I do wish the latte were real. Them things is good.

5 thoughts on “Hipster Swami with a Touch of Steve Jobs”

  1. jim
     · 

    Aha, but that is a photo of someone in a quasi-stevejobsian shirt, not a video! I’m saying there will be people doing that on YouTube, thinking they’re funny.

  2. Sidewalk Tomato
     · 

    Skinny jeans are for girls and narrow men (not slim, not fit–narrow). The broad-shouldered and reasonably fit look good in Levi’s 501s or my favorite, 527s (men’s equivalent of slightly low rise, slightly boot cut . . . but when they’re on, they’re hard to identify as such, which is a good thing. They look young yet classic, and avoid the long rise of Dad jeans).

    Skinny jeans would make you look like a golf tee. :D

  3. jim
     · 

    Hey, that’s okay for ME to say.. not you! >:(

  4. Sidewalk Tomato
     · 

    A golf tee is just ridiculously top-heavy. NOT fat. In case you’re actually offended. Hard to tell.

    Take it from someone who is also top heavy but not fat.