I have long believed that I have the ability to tell the future. Some people call it Déjà Vu, or possibly merely ålcøhól åbüsé, but I’ve always secretly believed that I can see events before they have the courtesy to transpire.
My powers, however, are not very focused. I cannot say for sure, for instance, upon meeting a fine young woman, whether she will run away immediately or go out with me for a while and then run away. That’s what makes dating so fun: the mystery of it all.
Having said that, this time is different. Yes, ladies and gentlemen of the internets, I would like to make a prediction. But first, here’s how this glimpse into the future came to me:
I was reading a “webbed page” this morning which claimed that a thing known as the iPad is on sale for pre-order, and as I read those words, I slipped into a kind of trance.
First I felt dizzy. Then a latte appeared in my hand, and just as I was marvelling at that, I realized that I was wearing a Steve Jobsian black turtleneck. I put my free hand to my head in shock, and the sleeve of my black turtleneck pulled back slightly to reveal a sparrow tattoo on my wrist. Yes, all the signs were there. I had become the Hipster Swami with a touch of Steve Jobs. I felt the urge to get on the internet and purchase a pair of skinny leg jeans, and it was strong. I had to fight it!
No! I screamed at myself. You are too fat for skinny leg jeans!
In the midst of this fatness/hipster fracas, my vision swam, but out of the murk appeared an image of an internet douche holding an iPad to his face. I moaned these words: “Someone, hnnnng…. someone will make a video of themselves trying to talk into the iPad hrrr… as though it were… an iPhone!”
Actually I just said it in my head in the normal voice that I use to talk to myself (a high-pitched shriek), but that isn’t very mystical.
I collapsed into a sweaty heap, physically exhausted, but smiling, because I didn’t really have a sparrow tattoo. I was my old self again, but those words stuck with me. This vision will come to pass in the coming months, my friends, have no doubt.
For what it’s worth I do wish the latte were real. Them things is good.