Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Hugs for Fish

It brings me no joy to report that the War On People currently being waged by animals has had another shocking clash somewhere in Wisconsin. It seems people just can’t put themselves near dangerous wild animals these days without those animals acting exactly as you’d expect.

This calls into some question the viability of the charity I started some time ago, Hugs for Fish. I’m currently in talks with a logo designer to help out with some branding for the project using Tits the Fish as our mascot.

After all, I think it is widely known that girls give the best hugs. My theory is that it is their breasts that make the hugs so nice, so I wanted my logo to look like a fish capable of a great hug. Tits the Fish was really the only choice, though, awkwardly enough, he himself is male.

Also there are some logistical issues with getting down into the water and not drowning while delivering said hugs to said fish, who, admittedly, are not only fairly skittish but very fast swimmers. I’m sure that with time and boatloads of your money, though, these issues can be ironed out.

And by ironed out, I mean to say “considered briefly by yours truly while participating in either bicycle riding or beer drinking”.

Speaking of bicycle riding, yesterday I rode quite a lot and it was glorious. I started out the day riding a short loop around the city with the pace group for the ING Marathon wheelchair racers. My two teammates and I were some of the few of the 25 or so riders not in bright yellow jackets.

It occurred to me that there is a spectrum of city cycling safety/danger. On the safe end you have the very careful and usually older riders who stop at every light and point out every dip or crack in the road’s surface to one another. They are very safety-minded people, and can often be seen going down the road in dayglo clothing with mirrors affixed to themselves. In groups, they will all be shouting “HOLE!” or “CAR BACK” or “QUILL STEM!” to one another.

As Wikipedia notes, they are sometimes known to “serious” road cyclists as “Freds”.

On the other end are fixed gear hipsters who for some reason believe themselves to be at war with traffic. They like to charge out in front of cars on bikes with no brakes, creating a rush of adrenaline for themselves and a general hate of cyclists in general among drivers. They also eschew helmets, cycling specific clothing, and riding for any reason other than as a lifestyle statement.

What this statement is, however, can be hard to discern. These people are known to those of us who are BikeSnobNYC fans as “NüFreds”.

The majority of riders are somewhere in the middle, of course, and people can exhibit traits of either end of the spectrum depending on circumstance.

Now, if I could just get these damned fish to slow down I could hug them properly and this charity thing would be gathering steam!

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