Not long ago, a female associate came to meet me so that we could drive around town together and spend some of my money. This is called a date.
As is my custom, I started getting ready at the precise moment that we were supposed to meet. I recommend this practice to all my fellow men. If you say you’re meeting at seven, you get up off the couch at seven. Trust me.
If you start getting ready like you would for a business meeting you will be ready to roll on time. Now you’ll have 30 minutes of fidgeting around the house with nothing to do while she gets un-late, or you’ll be sitting in your car at her house waiting for her to come out.
The last is rare for me as I get girls to come to meet me somewhere or drive to my house. I pay and open doors and comport myself in every way as a gentleman would — outside of my wildly creepy sense of humor of course — but driving to their houses and picking them up on top of all that feels too old fashioned to me until we’ve been seeing each other a while.
On the occasion in question, I got out of the shower, dried off, splashed myself with my signature cologne and put on my evening tuxedo. The head of my animal army worked me over with a lint roller to make sure everything was in order, paying special attention to the gold-tasseled epaulets.
Just then, nearly 7:30, my phone buzzed. She needed directions. I gave them, even using the word “lair”.
“is that, like, your apartment?” she responded.
“Sure, if you want to use a non-creepy word for it.”
Also fairly recently I was putting this practice into effect for a daytime first date, and the message came in asking if we could move it back one hour. I responded “Sure, I should have these bodies hidden by then.”
She met me anyway, which leads me to believe she’s a fairly cool chick.
So, here is my amended list of dating steps for nerds:
Go outside. There will be girls there.
Talk to them like you would talk to a slightly annoying little sister.
If there is one you like, flirt with her. Touch her arm.
If she doesn’t run away, invite her out with you.
If she shows up and you still like her after talking with her more, try to kiss her.
If at any point she runs away or doesn’t show up or doesn’t respond to a text or cancels a date without immediately suggesting an alternate time, you blew it. Take a shower, exercise more, eat right, sleep enough, wear some nicer clothes, possibly get a haircut, and try again with a different girl.
Important note: Once you have blown it with a girl, you’ve blown it forever. There can be exceptions, but if you can’t think of an exception in your case, then there aren’t any for you.
Along the way, you may be trying to gauge your progress by evaluating things that she says. This is a mistake and will surely lead to failure. If she shows up, she likes you. If not, you blew it. If she suggests some other time for you to hang out, that may be okay, but most of the time people who really like you will find a way to hang out with you.
In fact it’s best if you don’t try to evaluate anything women say with your nerd brain. This includes things your female friends say or advice they give on your dating. Most of the time it will be either indecipherable or useless or both. Example: “Just relax and be yourself!”
This is horrible advice. You are a nerd. Your relaxed self is on the couch in sweatpants screaming aggressive homoeroticism into a headset mounted on your face. That’s about the farthest thing from success with women there can ever be.
Beware: as a nerd you are only capable of processing facts, and women talk and act on the basis of emotion. It takes a long time to be able to translate one to the other, but one thing you can count on is that if she’s around, she likes you and if she’s not, she doesn’t.
Trust me, I have an almost magical power over the ladies. Only recently I was very much in love with a girl, but she exploded and the pieces were eaten by a tiger. Very unfortunate and clearly not my fault.
The one before that had a conflicting scheduled appointment to marry someone else, and the one before that stepped accidentally onto a plane and moved away for good, leaving behind a drawing of a middle finger.
The one before that just got tired of my shit. Sorry Cheryl!