Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Dangerous Dan

Dangerous Dan caught sight of himself in the gas station window. Facial stubble: check. Rogueish good looks: check. The hair was getting a little long, though.

And then there was the dusty suit, but after all, it was the desert. What can you do?

He finished pumping the convertible Cadillac full of gas and went inside to settle up. A cone shaped pile of person with a mesh-backed hat sat inside, enthralled with the shapes of varying yellows and browns displayed on an ancient television.

The proprieter’s eyes flicked off the television and settled on Dangerous Dan, taking in his dusty white suit over a black vest and white shirt. The dust made him think of the glass of water he’d like to be drinking.

Dan flipped a bill over his hand and laid it on the counter. He gritted his teeth.

“Turkey nipples.” he growled.

The proprieter quaked, suddenly realizing whom his eyes beheld and fearing for his life. This could only be Dangerous Dan! His eyes widened to their maximum level, and a small fart crept out.

But Dan only left the bill and the change behind, got in the Caddy, and fired it up.

Inside, the cone-shaped proprietor ambled across the floor, reached into the cooler, and drew out a bottle of the expensive city-people water. He twisted the cap off and gulped half of it down, glad to be alive.

At that moment, five miles away, a Tyrannosaurus Rex struggled into the nylon straps of a jet pack. This was no easy feat with his tiny arms, but he managed. He let out a roar.

Dan hauled down on the gear lever and the Caddy made a noise like a very large rock being dropped into a bucket of metal scraps, then took off out of the gas station lot in an impressive fishtail.

The highway was arrow straight, so Dan drove with his knees, using his hands to operate a chainsaw. He used it to shape up his hairdo nicely, and was just adding the final touches when he caught sight of the T Rex in the jet pack.

They locked eyes. Dan stomped on the accelerator and the Caddy’s engine roared. He revved the chainsaw and its engine shrieked a war cry. The T Rex roared and opened the throttle on the jet pack, burning his ass and tail.

Then Dan used an elbow to jerk the Caddy off the road, bumping through a ditch and over the small desert plants, leaving destruction in his wake.

The T Rex fiddled with the straps on the jet pack, trying desperately to aim the nozzles away from his ass and tail. He wanted very badly to eat Dangerous Dan, especially now that Dan was heaving close enough into view for the T Rex to appreciate his recent haircut.

Finally the straps aligned properly and the T Rex jammed the throttle open. His jet pack responded by detonating, blowing him high into the air. He flipped over in a lazy arc and began to plummet earthward again, realizing that he was going to land directly on top of the Cadillac which was at this point being driven by a raving lunatic screaming at the top of his lungs and waving a chainsaw.

And that’s when things got interesting.