Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Space Buzz

Like anyone who calls himself a man, my favorite things in life are to crush my enemies, to see them driven before me, and to hear the lamentations of their women. I’m not sure where I first got that list, but I’m pretty sure it was told to me by an ancient sword master or something like that.

On Sunday the “my enemies” part will be filled by the 26.2 miles of a marathon, and the “crushing” will be delivered by my legs, or as I like to call them, Explosion and T-Rex. Then I will celebrate as any warrior celebrates, by screaming, ripping a nearby enemy in half, and then delivering a mighty slap directly to his spleen.

But there are some things that are insanely manly that don’t involve anyone’s innards suffering a bitch slap, or at least not in that particular way. Just a few days ago, NASA launched the space shuttle, which is off-the-charts manly already, and the stated goal is to add a bay window, or “cupola” to the international space station.

So they built a giant rocket ship, then launched it at night, and when they get into space they’re planning to do some construction. That is a whole lot of manliness right there. I think you can see what’s missing, though, in order to make this the manliest act ever encountered: violence.

Do you see any guns mounted on the space ship? No.

Honestly, NASA, how much of a bother could it possibly be to mount one huge gun and fire off a spleenload of ammo once you’re in space? It ain’t like you’d have to engineer the gun itself, there are loads of them already. I know we haven’t technically spotted any enemies in orbit, but it pays to be cautious, I think you’ll agree.

Sadly NASA are pacifists and I can tell you why: They are all nerds. Sure, they are highly fit and athletic nerds, in the case of the astronauts themselves, but still nerds. Even if they started out as jocks, the amount of training and the volume of engineering data they’ve had to consume on their path to becoming actual floating-in-space astronauts has surely converted them into nerds.

I say this because at one time when I was a lad, I wanted to be an astronaut. I had pictures all over my room of space and of astronauts. Then when I got to school, I learned how mind-numbingly boring learning in classrooms is and how much of it I’d have to endure before anyone let me near a rocket. I knew I was not destined to become an astronaut.

The truth is I am highly jealous that I probably won’t ever get to ride in a rocket or be in space. I’ve always highly respected astronauts, and I shouldn’t hold it against them for being able to be simultaneously in peak physical condition and stuffed full of knowledge.

After all, there’s a little righteous violence lurking in even the most stalwart astronauts, as American hero and second man on the moon Buzz Aldrin demonstrated when he punched a jackass in the face in 2002.

He calls Aldrin a coward and a liar, and then Buzz performs his impression of a meteor streaking toward planet Douchebag. Surely the man’s words are offensive to someone like Aldrin, but that voice is pretty irritating as well. Add to that a pair of sneakers and jeans with a blazer, and he deserves at least one more solid crack in the face.

And let’s not forget that Buzz went to the moon when space travel was new. He didn’t have a cushy shuttle to hang out in like the astronauts of today. He rode in a budget model washing machine strapped to ten stories of TnT.

I only wish that Buzz had ripped the man’s body open and directly punched his guts.