Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Raised by Wolves, an open letter to a pretty girl on the sidewalk

Dear pretty girl on the sidewalk,

I am sorry for scaring you; I will say that to begin with. I think it’s your responsibility to look where you’re going when you are traipsing blithely out of a boutique, but I was raised to be considerate toward women so I feel responsible.

First of all, you must understand that I am an animal. I lack whatever higher brain functions differentiate homo sapiens from abject beasthood, though I do boast opposable thumbs. I was raised by wolves.

Actually that’s not true, I was adopted and raised by two loving and devoted parents of considerable culture and intelligence. I could not have asked for better. But sometimes I feel like I was raised by wolves. I don’t seem to be able to do things the regular way all the time.

You traipsed in front of me on the sidewalk after dark, swinging your arms widely, and I was in the middle of my tempo run, and I had to gallop to a stop to avoid tackling you, making a lot of stomping noises in the process. You screamed and looked very scared. Sorry about that.

Also I may have glared at you. My bad!

It’s easy to forget that when you are of a certain height and weight and general size you can be physically imposing to some. A glare that might be merely impetuous on the face of a man of a slighter build could seem to be menacing on the face of a larger man.

Actually I am interested to know what it’s like to be willowy and pretty like you, maybe just for a day. If it means I have to scream and cover my mouth all wide-eyed when unexpected things happen, maybe it’s not that great, but you know… the grass is always greener.

Also, and I don’t mean this by way of excuse, when I’m running like that I sort of enter a red haze. I can’t see all that well. I have to turn my iPod up pretty much as far as it will go in order to be able to discern it from the noise of blood and lymphatic fluid burbling and farting around my innards. In short, on occasions like this, if I turned up Van Halen any louder I’m reasonably certain that my liquified brain would squirt forth from my tear ducts. So, maybe I wasn’t paying attention as much as I could have been.

Do you think that “squorth” has a future as a verb, as a replacement for “squirt forth”?

Anyway I am sorry I scared you. I hope you won’t think badly of me or of runners in general.

Your friend,
Jim Hodgson
(raised by wolves)

P.S. It’s not always Van Halen.

6 thoughts on “Raised by Wolves, an open letter to a pretty girl on the sidewalk”

  1. halos

    P.P.S. Yes it is.

  2. Sidewalk Tomato

    Haha! I find that being youthful and of ambiguous ethnicity results in similar running experiences, particularly when it’s raining and my hood is up. No one’s ever screamed, ’cause I’m 5’4 1/2″, but they do get spooked, and I am forced to think very hard at them “Do you not see my ipod? were I going to mug you, I would not be listening to music. I would have to shut off Mozart’s Die Zauberflöte in order to punch you in the face and steal your capuccino.” I comfort myself by upping my speed to showoff-y levels until I am at least out of sight.

    Of the rock genre, these are my favorite of my 245 officially recognized running songs (but I’ll listen to anything that is fast enough and does not depress me — I find that I have to be reminded how awesome I am while I run, or it’s just not happening, hence the under-representation of Nine Inch Nails):

    Thunderstruck – AC/DC
    La Grange – ZZ Top (this is the song that helped me get my fastest [adult] mile time)
    More Human Than Human – White Zombie (this is good for hills)
    Bring the Noise – Anthrax & Public Enemy
    Baba O’Riley – The Who
    Shut Me Up – Mindless Self Indulgence
    Panzermensch – And One (it’s in German, so I had to translate the lyrics before I could like it, haha)
    Keep the Car Running – The Arcade Fire
    J*** in My Pants – The Lonely Island Incredibad
    American Girl – Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
    My Name is Mud – Primus
    Miserlou – Dick Dale and the Del-Tones . . . (and the Black Eyed Peas “Pump It” which samples it liberally. I have to have both, or I feel too guilty).

    I do have some Van Halen too, Rammstein, and uh, some Motley Crue. The rest is all pop (yay, Prince), industrial, trance, techno and warm-up/warm-down songs. I’m running out of room on the shuffle but I don’t want to run with the larger capacity one; it’s a pain, I’d have to buy an armband and la, la, la.

  3. jim

    Having owned two shuffles now, my opinion is its better to buy a larger iPod that will last a few years. The Shuffles don’t seem to have a life of much longer than a few months.

  4. Emily

    wow, the Sidewalk Tomato is taller than I expected.

  5. jim

    The tomato does as the tomato wills, Emily.

  6. Sidewalk Tomato

    I’m huge in Japan.