Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

451 tips to be hot in Fahrenheit

At around 6am every morning, I spring from my bed and let fly with a mighty call. Once I have expended every molecule of air in my lungs and my animal friends have been summoned, I plop gasping into my dot-com-castoff Herman Miller Aeron chair and type into this blog.

For me, getting up at the butt-crack of dawn is one of the true pleasures of not being any fun anymore. When I was fun I would be dead asleep and dreading the sunlight at this hour, sleeping off whatever Mike made me drink. But no more!

Yes, despite all evidence to the contrary, I consider myself a writer. There are a few things I won’t do in order to draw more attention to myself, however.

Along with Heroin and good grammar, one thing I refuse to partake in is the overuse of lists. Granted, sometimes lists make sense, but they’ve increasingly become an actual writing style. In my mind, the popular overuse of lists started with the Letterman Top Ten lists, but I’m sure someone was doing it before that.

I call this my <i>boom stick</i>!
I call this my boom stick!

Letterman always gets a pass from me, though, it must be said. For one thing, he’s been hilarious for my entire life, and for two only Moses has slept with his staff more often than Dave.

Just take a look at the Digg or Reddit homepage. I bet you’ll see a list there. On Digg it’ll be something along the lines of “10 awesome movie monsters”, and Reddit might have “15 ways to pretend you have a girlfriend”. Granted, both these sites are generally for nerds, but nerds aren’t the only culprits.

In fact, many sites encourage their writers to arrange articles this way. I can’t point any of them out, of course, because I don’t know how to read.

I try to get women in line at the grocery to read the headlines of magazines displayed there to me. Here’s today’s frontpage of Cosmopolitan.com, featuring both “5 times you shouldn’t text him” and “The 25 hottest sex tips ever“.

How about one time you actually cooked something?
How about one time you actually cooked something?

It just feels to me when I see ideas presented in list form that the person who wrote it thinks that I am stupid. Of course, they happen to have hit the mark in my case, but many of you are doubtlessly quite intelligent. Perhaps you can think of your own times not to text him. Like, when it’s annoying, or fifteen times in a row when he’s working, or when he’s sleeping with someone else.

As I’ve said above I am a simple man, but I think there’s pretty much one tip to help women be as hot as possible in bed, and I will divulge this secret to you now. Here it is:

1. Get naked.

I can’t help but be reminded of “Fahrenheit 451” in all this, in that I feel that the internerd is a great heaping mound of written content that should mean a renaissance of writing. Instead, the written word is being presented in TV’s soundbyte format. What, people can’t digest information in any way other than little bites now?

Having said that, it seems that even “Fahrenheit 451” is coming out as a graphic novel, so what the hell do I know?