Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

TSA’s new rules for a new year

Well, the holidays are nearly over. Yes, just one more night of hoopla and we can put this whole wretched business of enjoying ourselves behind us. At last!

This year I have decided to leave the safe confines of my walled city of Atlanta on New Year’s Eve and sally forth into the suburbs. I have chosen to do this even though I like looking at girls in dresses. Girls who live outside the perimeter of the city, you see, wear jeans — never a dress. Still, that’s where my closest friends (or “Team Hodgson” as I call them) will be.

So, I will don my top hat and feather boa, drive out of the northwestern gate of my city, sip sherry from a small glass, and mingle among whatever gentleman and ladies should be there. I may or may not also dance, or talk loudly in the manner of a buffoon. Time will tell.

Driving is really the only remaining way to effectively travel long distances without having to come under the scrutiny of the TSA.

My preferred means of travel are, in order:
1. On a sedan chair supported by scantily clad women.
2. On a bicycle.
3. In a very fine car.
4. On horseback.
5. Naked except for a suit of stinging insects inside a wheeled cage containing every land predator known to science who are all in an extremely foul mood due to starvation…

…and a distant last..
6. The airlines.

I guess someone blew up his underwear over the holiday and now we’re not allowed to use the internet on flights or go to the bathroom. It makes perfect sense. Thank god no one brought an exploding iguana on board or we’d all have to sit on piles of bananas. I think that’s in the TSA handbook. Or was it “must be tickled by a sloth in leiderhosen”? Oh well, I forget.

To give you an idea of how bad things have gotten in air travel, here’s a recent photo of a TSA official screening a gate:

tsamordor

Occasionally though, I am embarrassed to admit, I’m unable to find a team of scantily clad women to shoulder my sedan chair. The ASPCA has also had some strong words to say about my wheeled menagerie of death. Much as I favor these methods in addition to bike riding, they are best suited for trips under 100 miles or so. Any more than that and you’re going to need something a touch faster.

Hoping to avoid air travel at all costs, I even looked into renting a car for the return journey from my upcoming trip out to California. I thought I might be able to mitigate the inhuman pain of flying by only flying one way, but driving a rental car across the country is prohibitively expensive. It would have cost nearly $1000 just to rent the car, plus another few hundred in gas, and that’s not to mention food and lodging along the way.

At least this time on the plane I will have my brand new Snuggie to wear during the flight. Just wait until my fellow travelers see me in it!

Oh, how they will envy me!