So here’s what’s going on with me. As you already know, I’ve been spending a lot of time on the Erudition podcast I’m doing with Nick Tapp. It’s a great source of fun, but also requires a lot of time. Especially now that I’m also recording custom songs for it.

But, if I may quote Nick himself, “EEEEeee! Aaah, Oooh!” Seriously, that’s how he talks.

I have been writing quite a lot.

Today had a guest post on a site called Reluctant Runners. It is about whether or not one should wear headphones in a running race. Don’t.

I’m also still writing and editing for The Leaky Wiki, which is sort of like The Onion, except TLW publishes my writing and The Onion doesn’t return my emails. I wrote one called “New ‘Superfont’ Emerges, Designers Threaten Suicide,” and another called “Crazy Girlfriend Breaks Up with Bewildered, Smothering Boyfriend.” Check those out and let me know what you think!

I’ve also started a new novel, hopefully to have the first draft finished by Christmas. It is a science fiction project about a guy called Dangerous Dan. Dan has some problems, not least of which being that people occasionally fire lasers at him. As a result, I spent some time this week researching what it would be like to have someone fire a laser at you in real life.

Long story short, such an attack would probably be quiet, invisible to the naked eye, and intensely painful, much like my farts in all respects. That aside, as a part of my research I unearthed a vast community of people who build and modify lasers, and then burn shit with them, a pastime which is, it should go without saying, fuckin’ awesome.

I had such a great conversation with the sage Jon Fasman on last week’s podcast, I think I’m going to try to get this new project traditionally published, even though I’ve been really pleased with the progress of Jack Dick and Other Stories.

If I can make a recommendation to you, it is this: start a podcast. It’s so fun and so rewarding. Our first couple episodes were a struggle, and I’ve been shot down on interview requests a few times, but it’s still really cool.

Now, I’ve got to get in a few hundred words on the Dangerous Dan project and then go see a movie. Life is good.

Quantum physicists have it rough, man. Did you know that the sub-atomic world is a chaotic bizarre-o party time where nothing makes a scrap of sense? Well it is, and physicists have to spend all day puzzling over it. Try to make sense of Japanese porn clips on the internet sometime and you’ll have an inkling of what they go though.

Dig this: I was watching a show on quantum physics recently, and I learned that photons passing through two slits behave differently depending on whether you detect their state at the slits or at a screen just beyond the slits. What the hell, photons?

I’m reminded of riding a bike in traffic. You see, bikes are slower than cars most of the time. If you ride a bike in the city you are gonna get passed by a ton of cars. Sometimes cars pass you even when it doesn’t make sense.

Let’s say you are on your bike, and you’re approaching an intersection. A car passes you, but then reaches the intersection and has to stop. Car brakes are very powerful. The net effect is that the car passed you only to jump in front and slow you down.

Worse yet, sometimes cars jump ahead of you and then turn abruptly, which means you’re in danger of crashing into them.

I think this is because drivers behave like photons in the double slit experiment. You can’t know what they’re going to do until you see them do it. Similarly, photons don’t know where the hell they are going until they’re observed. They’re aloof like that, photons.

Of course, you also have to consider the relativity of thought. If humans think at a fixed speed, the speed of thought will cover much greater distance in a car than on a bike. If you sit in one place all day, you can think your ass off and never run into anything at all.

That might be nice, depending on where you sit.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is that time once again: time for the Tour to roll through the lush French countryside, burning villages and assaulting livestock in accordance with cycling tradition. Please enjoy the following rider guide featuring some of the most promising hopefuls. Choose your champion!

1. Chris Horner – Rider Chris Horner quite unexpectedly finds himself at the helm of Team Radio Shack… nearly as surprised as everyone else is that Radio Shack is still in business.

   He had a great Tour in 2010, however, finishing in the top 10 even as his captain, seven time Tour de France champion Larry Armsfeld, tumbled down every mountain in France and finally withdrew from the race. Here’s wishing you a great race, Chris Horner, and a speedy recovery to you, Larry!

2. Alberto Skeletor – Skeletor isn’t as worried about winning the Tour this year as he is about starting it. He was caught cheating his bony ass off last year and nearly exposed at last for the villain that he is, but was saved–somehow–by his home country of Spain.

   Some cycling insiders felt that these events were “like seeing an American murder conviction overturned by a Bolivian school principal,” but nothing could be done. Such is the power of Skeletor. Look for him to once again ascend to the top of the podium even if only his brainwashed Spanish subjects will be happy about it.

3. Andy Schleck – Young hopeful Andy Schleck, assembled in a Luxembourgian scientist’s lab from good weather and sportsmanship, is the nice-guy favorite to win this year.

   Skeletor will most likely kill him and eat him on live television.

That about wraps it up, friends! It should be a great race, at least until Skeletor eats Schleck. I’ll probably stop watching at that point.

Okay, let’s suppose Jesus were real, and he returned. Which Jesus would he be? Would he be a severe Catholic Jesus who forbade contraception, or maybe some other denomination with different rules?

Perhaps he wouldn’t be a Jesus at all, but a Buddha or a Ganesh or a Thor. What would the Baptists say if the Savior finally returned and had an elephant head?

Obviously Heaven (or Valhalla or whatever) would know that these discrepancies would exist. If they sent one Jesus, that Jesus would have to spend pretty much all His time correcting everyone and settling disputes. There’d be very little time for loaves or fishes or sermons on the mount.

That’s why Heaven would have no choice but to send multiple Jesuses. I’m thinking at least ten thousand. The only question, then, is which religious sects or denominations get a Jesus, and which do not?

Well, clearly Heaven would have to be as non-descriminatory as possible. The Bible, in Matthew 18:20, says something like “For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.” Clearly you don’t need a Sistine Chapel to hang out with Jesus. I’m sure the other religions are similarly cool with small groups.

The Dictionary defines the word “religious” thusly:

relating to or manifesting faithful devotion to an acknowledged ultimate reality or deity

So, you don’t have to have a deity, necessarily, to be religious. That makes sense because there are a lot of people out there who aren’t very religious, but who are very involved in some other pastime or hobby that gives their life meaning. Clearly those people cannot be refused a Jesus because they are, by definition, also religious.

There would therefore have to be a Soccer Jesus. Football and Golf and Basketball Jesuses also would have to exist. There’d probably have to be a gambling Jesus and a drinking Jesus as well. There could be a Hipster Jesus, but no one would have heard of him.

There would, without a doubt, be at least one Cycling Jesus. Actually there’d have to be a few, because there’d need to be a roadie Jesus and a mountain Jesus. The fixie Jesus would be covered by the Hipster Jesus, though, so we can ignore him.

I know this all sounds crazy but it’s the only way. I don’t presume to tell Heaven what to do, I’m just guessing that this is the way they have it all worked out.

Hope I get to ride with Cycling Jesus. I bet he’s fast. Probably pulls all day, too.