A few months ago, I devised a plan. Yes, a plan to go outside. Not only that, I planned to go outside, armed only with a few cleverly sewn bits of nylon fabric and a mound of pop tarts, and stay there for a few days. This weekend that plan was realized.

Having done my last hiking trip solo, I knew that to be a poor plan. Thankfully, my friends Chris and Brandon agreed to come along. The three of us piloted my car up to Vogel State Park on Friday. As the driver, I operated the wheely turny part and the pedal mechanisms. Chris navigated using his iPhone, and Brandon snored in the back seat.

Vogel State Park, or “The Vog,” as local refer to it, is quite lovely. It is situated in a narrow valley, has a very pretty lake, and is surrounded by trees.

It is also surrounded by bloodthirsty 500lb bears who would like nothing better than to bite my soft city ass off, but I’ll get to that later.

Once at Vogel, we paid for a hiking permit, a fishing license, and a parking permit, and checked our gear. I had all the essentials. Sleeping bag: check. Hiking poles: check. 16oz Bourbon: check. Red Crocs: check.

We shouldered our packs and headed up the road to the start of the Coosa Backcountry Trail, marked by the yellow blazes. If you don’t know what a blaze is, it’s a little patch of paint on a tree that shows a hiker which trail they’re on. These trails spiderweb through the backcountry, you see, and it can be confusing to navigate them even with a map. The blazes help a lot, usually. On this particular trail, however, the blazes came in as bewildering an array of colors as Crocs do.

We hiked three miles to West Wolf Creek, found a suitable site, and set up camp. It should be said, at this point, that the common wisdom is that one does not cook and eat one’s dinner in the same area as one’s tent. This is because food smells attract the aforementioned bloodthirsty bears, who will happily disembowel city dwellers and prance merrily on their innards.

For these reasons, we cooked and ate our dinner a suitable distance from our tents, then gathered around a fire as the light faded. Belly full and bedtime fast approaching, I happily nipped at my bourbon.

Brandon sipped coffee. Chris looked out into the distance, toward where we’d cooked dinner. “That,” he said, with admirable calm, “is a bear.”

We all looked. It was indeed a black bear, wandering around near where we’d cooked our dinner. Later, on retelling the story, many have asked me if it was big. I’ve only ever seen one wild bear. It looked to be the size of a schoolbus. He wandered back and forth over our cooking site, then disappeared into the woods. The three of us chatted excitedly, exchanging wild conjecture and ideas for hasty bear defense.

Brandon was in favor of sharp sticks. Chris wished he’d brought a gun. I suggested we appease the bear with sexual favors but was voted down. In any case, the bear had left the scene and did not return.

His memory, however, lived on in technicolor. Once in my sleeping bag, I began a long mockery of sleep. The wind blew in the trees, causing them to rub and creak together. Every little sound was the bear returning to slay me and my friends. Do bears like bourbon? I had no idea.

After a long, long while, it was day time. I had survived the night. We hiked in excellent weather and didn’t see any bears for the rest of the weekend, but I know they’re out there, waiting to kill me.

So here’s what’s going on with me. As you already know, I’ve been spending a lot of time on the Erudition podcast I’m doing with Nick Tapp. It’s a great source of fun, but also requires a lot of time. Especially now that I’m also recording custom songs for it.

But, if I may quote Nick himself, “EEEEeee! Aaah, Oooh!” Seriously, that’s how he talks.

I have been writing quite a lot.

Today had a guest post on a site called Reluctant Runners. It is about whether or not one should wear headphones in a running race. Don’t.

I’m also still writing and editing for The Leaky Wiki, which is sort of like The Onion, except TLW publishes my writing and The Onion doesn’t return my emails. I wrote one called “New ‘Superfont’ Emerges, Designers Threaten Suicide,” and another called “Crazy Girlfriend Breaks Up with Bewildered, Smothering Boyfriend.” Check those out and let me know what you think!

I’ve also started a new novel, hopefully to have the first draft finished by Christmas. It is a science fiction project about a guy called Dangerous Dan. Dan has some problems, not least of which being that people occasionally fire lasers at him. As a result, I spent some time this week researching what it would be like to have someone fire a laser at you in real life.

Long story short, such an attack would probably be quiet, invisible to the naked eye, and intensely painful, much like my farts in all respects. That aside, as a part of my research I unearthed a vast community of people who build and modify lasers, and then burn shit with them, a pastime which is, it should go without saying, fuckin’ awesome.

I had such a great conversation with the sage Jon Fasman on last week’s podcast, I think I’m going to try to get this new project traditionally published, even though I’ve been really pleased with the progress of Jack Dick and Other Stories.

If I can make a recommendation to you, it is this: start a podcast. It’s so fun and so rewarding. Our first couple episodes were a struggle, and I’ve been shot down on interview requests a few times, but it’s still really cool.

Now, I’ve got to get in a few hundred words on the Dangerous Dan project and then go see a movie. Life is good.