Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Tour de France 2011: Riders to Watch

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is that time once again: time for the Tour to roll through the lush French countryside, burning villages and assaulting livestock in accordance with cycling tradition. Please enjoy the following rider guide featuring some of the most promising hopefuls. Choose your champion!

  1. Chris Horner – Rider Chris Horner quite unexpectedly finds himself at the helm of Team Radio Shack… nearly as surprised as everyone else is that Radio Shack is still in business.

    He had a great Tour in 2010, however, finishing in the top 10 even as his captain, seven time Tour de France champion Larry Armsfeld, tumbled down every mountain in France and finally withdrew from the race. Here’s wishing you a great race, Chris Horner, and a speedy recovery to you, Larry!

  2. Alberto Skeletor – Skeletor isn’t as worried about winning the Tour this year as he is about starting it. He was caught cheating his bony ass off last year and nearly exposed at last for the villain that he is, but was saved–somehow–by his home country of Spain.

    Some cycling insiders felt that these events were “like seeing an American murder conviction overturned by a Bolivian school principal,” but nothing could be done. Such is the power of Skeletor. Look for him to once again ascend to the top of the podium even if only his brainwashed Spanish subjects will be happy about it.

  3. Andy Schleck – Young hopeful Andy Schleck, assembled in a Luxembourgian scientist’s lab from good weather and sportsmanship, is the nice-guy favorite to win this year.

    Skeletor will most likely kill him and eat him on live television.

That about wraps it up, friends! It should be a great race, at least until Skeletor eats Schleck. I’ll probably stop watching at that point.

2 thoughts on “Tour de France 2011: Riders to Watch”

  1. Brian
     · 

    I can tell you that whoever wins will be on a Cervelo. The new S5 is ridiculous.

  2. jim
     · 

    That’s true, and I hope you’re right as that would probably mean a Schleck win.