Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Politics: Oh, the Babies You’ll Father

PHOTO: Andrew Burton
I am once again reminded that I cannot wait to start my life in politics. I look forward to wearing suits and chatting pleasantly to lobbyists all day. God, what a life!

My only concern is that I actually possess the voracious appetite for embezzlement and illicit sex that I think I do. You simply don’t know what you’re capable of until you’re in the moment, you know? Maybe I should spend some time on my crying. I want to be convincing when the time comes. I mean, I’m no Natalie Portman, after all.

The people I really feel sorry for when these scandals surface are the people–voters, I mean–who are serious about politics. I’m talking about friends of mine, hardworking people who are card-carrying members of their chosen party. These are the families who have to agree not to turn their televisions on over the holidays because it will spark a heated row over what 24-hour news channel to watch.

These are the people who will invite you to watch the State of the Union at their party-chosen bar. In my neighborhood that’s Manuel’s Tavern for the Democrats. Not sure where the Republican bar is around here, but I think I’ve seen some Libertarians smoking pot in an alleyway.

Pity these people, friends. They are carefully constructing a belief system from talking heads, snippets of emails and party-approved blog posts only to have a congressman come along with his protruding wang and wreck the whole thing.

These citizens are the only ones taking politics seriously. Everyone else is just making noise and collecting a check.

The truly staggering thing about our political system, to me, is the genius with which it is designed. No one alive can ever hope to process the information generated daily, even with 24 hour news channels.

To be fair, a 24 hour news channel is really more like 18 hours when you factor out the commercials. That’s not even enough time to figure out who is involved in each scandal, let alone what they did or said.

The system is subtle and beautiful and I cannot wait to take my place under the hot lights of the press conference. I hope you guys will vote for me!

One thought on “Politics: Oh, the Babies You’ll Father”

  1. Justin

    Scandal! Your propagating cats on the iinternet.