Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is that time once again: time for the Tour to roll through the lush French countryside, burning villages and assaulting livestock in accordance with cycling tradition. Please enjoy the following rider guide featuring some of the most promising hopefuls. Choose your champion!

1. Chris Horner – Rider Chris Horner quite unexpectedly finds himself at the helm of Team Radio Shack… nearly as surprised as everyone else is that Radio Shack is still in business.

   He had a great Tour in 2010, however, finishing in the top 10 even as his captain, seven time Tour de France champion Larry Armsfeld, tumbled down every mountain in France and finally withdrew from the race. Here’s wishing you a great race, Chris Horner, and a speedy recovery to you, Larry!

2. Alberto Skeletor – Skeletor isn’t as worried about winning the Tour this year as he is about starting it. He was caught cheating his bony ass off last year and nearly exposed at last for the villain that he is, but was saved–somehow–by his home country of Spain.

   Some cycling insiders felt that these events were “like seeing an American murder conviction overturned by a Bolivian school principal,” but nothing could be done. Such is the power of Skeletor. Look for him to once again ascend to the top of the podium even if only his brainwashed Spanish subjects will be happy about it.

3. Andy Schleck – Young hopeful Andy Schleck, assembled in a Luxembourgian scientist’s lab from good weather and sportsmanship, is the nice-guy favorite to win this year.

   Skeletor will most likely kill him and eat him on live television.

That about wraps it up, friends! It should be a great race, at least until Skeletor eats Schleck. I’ll probably stop watching at that point.

Okay, let’s suppose Jesus were real, and he returned. Which Jesus would he be? Would he be a severe Catholic Jesus who forbade contraception, or maybe some other denomination with different rules?

Perhaps he wouldn’t be a Jesus at all, but a Buddha or a Ganesh or a Thor. What would the Baptists say if the Savior finally returned and had an elephant head?

Obviously Heaven (or Valhalla or whatever) would know that these discrepancies would exist. If they sent one Jesus, that Jesus would have to spend pretty much all His time correcting everyone and settling disputes. There’d be very little time for loaves or fishes or sermons on the mount.

That’s why Heaven would have no choice but to send multiple Jesuses. I’m thinking at least ten thousand. The only question, then, is which religious sects or denominations get a Jesus, and which do not?

Well, clearly Heaven would have to be as non-descriminatory as possible. The Bible, in Matthew 18:20, says something like “For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.” Clearly you don’t need a Sistine Chapel to hang out with Jesus. I’m sure the other religions are similarly cool with small groups.

The Dictionary defines the word “religious” thusly:

relating to or manifesting faithful devotion to an acknowledged ultimate reality or deity

So, you don’t have to have a deity, necessarily, to be religious. That makes sense because there are a lot of people out there who aren’t very religious, but who are very involved in some other pastime or hobby that gives their life meaning. Clearly those people cannot be refused a Jesus because they are, by definition, also religious.

There would therefore have to be a Soccer Jesus. Football and Golf and Basketball Jesuses also would have to exist. There’d probably have to be a gambling Jesus and a drinking Jesus as well. There could be a Hipster Jesus, but no one would have heard of him.

There would, without a doubt, be at least one Cycling Jesus. Actually there’d have to be a few, because there’d need to be a roadie Jesus and a mountain Jesus. The fixie Jesus would be covered by the Hipster Jesus, though, so we can ignore him.

I know this all sounds crazy but it’s the only way. I don’t presume to tell Heaven what to do, I’m just guessing that this is the way they have it all worked out.

Hope I get to ride with Cycling Jesus. I bet he’s fast. Probably pulls all day, too.

[This is an Onion-style news article I wrote for The Leaky Wiki --jim]

Washington, D.C. — The world was rocked today by a new study which proves conclusively that all photos of politicians contain barely-concealed dicks, not just those that depict genitalia as was once thought. Set in motion with funding from a private entity, Democrats Over North Georgia, in hopes of protecting frisky public servants from further embarrassment on the heels of the Weiner scandal, the study took a mere six hours to complete.

Dr. Peter Pullman, leader of the study’s team, had this to say: “We looked at photos of politicians from all walks of life, at all levels, and ah… you know, it’s pretty much a forest of dicks.”

Dr. Pullman went on to note that his team includes three other PhD’s and six graduate students of diverse ethnicities and political backgrounds.

“At first we thought it was just a fluke, so we started asking anyone we could find to participate in the study,” says Pullman. “The result was always the same. Dicks as far as the eye could see.”

But Rep. Richard Likker (D-ME) doesn’t agree. “Come on now, we can’t all be dicks,” he said, speaking loudly on his cell phone while in line at the grocery store. “I mean, sure, I can be a little–lady can’t you see I’m on the fucking phone here?”

No other public servants could be reached for comment.

The far-reaching effects of the study remain to be seen, but Dr. Pullman and his team are resolute.

“We need more funding to determine what causes these people to become such dicks,” Pullman added with a heavy sigh. “Unfortunately, all my state and federal grants have been pulled and I am being audited as well, so it will have to wait.”

Today is the Summer Solstice, children, the day when there is an equal amount of daytime and night time. Everyone knows that, but do you know the story of how it came to be?

It was invented by Jerry Garcia, former guitarist of the band Metallica. He wanted his loyal fans to be able to enjoy his concerts at dusk on a summer evening, but he also wanted to get as much sleep as possible (he was a health nut). As a very famous person, he was on speaking terms with God, so he paid God a visit inside His home in the Sun.

They discussed the matter, and it was decided that God would grant Jerry Garcia the Summer Solstice, but Jerry had to agree to release an album of songs that would commemorate the hours of night time, and that also would mark the end of what some fans considered to be his most significant music.

That’s when Jerry released the Black Album to great commercial success and the Summer Solstice spread out the hours of night and day equally. Even the nerdiest long haired stoner metalheads had to admit that it was a pretty good album, though they told everyone they hated it because they shunned all things popular. Some of those freaks had sex with one another to console themselves, and the children they had grew up to be the hipsters of today.

The end!

As both my regular readers are aware, I am currently planning a small hike for next year. I’m not an expert survivalist, though. No, to be an expert survivalist one has to go through the survivalist ritual, also known as “pee drinking.”

If you don’t believe me, check out this video of expert survivalist Bear Grylls. That’s what I call surviving, folks. You might think you can toss back pint-sized Jager bombs with the best of them, but you just haven’t lived if you haven’t knocked back a canteen of your own hot gold.

Just take a look at this face of expert survivalist triumph!

The only problem is that some people think that survivalism is so awesome that they want to bring it to the masses. This was surely on a Portland-area gentleman’s mind when he micturated into the town’s water supply, causing the city to have to dispose of the water.

The linked article, written by Brad Schmidt, includes a quote from David Schaff of the Water Bureau:

Shaff said the Water Bureau regularly finds dead animals in the same drinking supply but doesn’t dump the water. “This is different,” he said.

“Do you want to drink pee?” he asked bluntly.

Well, no, not exactly, but I do want to be a survivalist expert like Bear Grylls. Think of it like drinking Jager shots. I don’t want to drink them, they taste horrible. I do, however, want to get drunk and act like an idiot. You have to go through the means to get to the ends, Mr Schaff. Everyone knows that.

Some of you might be so crass as to point out that Bear Grylls really isn’t that much of a survivalist in that he stays in hotel rooms and has a camera crew to hang out with, or that a guy like Les Stroud is a little more badass considering that he did all the surviving, not to mention camera work, by himself on his show Survivorman.

That’s all fine and well. I enjoy Mr Stroud’s show. I just haven’t seen him drink his own pee. I mean come on, Stroud, are you serious or what?