Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Happy Planet Day!

Mars has a dumb surface that is boring.
You know, I have to say I think it is especially self-absorbed of us, as Earthlings, to celebrate Earth day. What about the other planets in our solar system? Don’t you think Mars should get a day, especially given that we invaded it with robots? Hell, the Russkies are flinging space machines at Venus like women toss panties at Tom Jones. Can’t we toss these planets a day once a year?

Now, you might be saying to yourself, “But Jim, Mars is a nearly featureless wasteland where no life or love can find purchase, much like my ex-wife’s cold, cold heart,” …and to you I say that that is awkward, and we should try to stay on topic.

Looking Past the Shortcomings

Listen: just because a planet might have clouds of noxious acid, in the case of Venus, or boring and useless CO2 in the case of Mars, does not mean that it is not a nice one to be on. Tom Jones dances like a high school freshman at Homecoming and plenty of people have been on him.

We should be mindful of the fact that Earth is really groovy, but not at the expense of Martian or Venusian feelings, let alone those of Jupiter.

Jupiter doesn’t even have a surface to land on, for Pete’s sake. How do you think it feels? It’s basically just a gigantic multicolored fart cloud out there. Yeah it has a bunch of dumb moons swarming around it, but what good are they?


I think that the most politically correct thing to do here is to rename Earth Day to Planet Day and celebrate all the planets in our solar system with equal pride. We don’t have to change anything here on Earth. The HR department can still get all flipped out and distribute flyers about global warming or whatever they do over there. I just think we should broaden our scope.

I don’t mean to sound like a planetist here, but sorry, Pluto. You didn’t make the cut. You’ll get nothing and like it.