As I mentioned on Tuesday, I have been working on a new diet since my shoulder injury called the Cold Beer Diet. I have to say that results are mixed. Not that I’ve actually, you know, measured the results, mind you.

Look, I want to be an influential travel and fitness blogger like Tim Ferriss or Steve Kamb. They have awesome products to sell. Steve has a workout book and Tim has his own diet. Obviously I had to come up with something of my own, but so far all I’ve really done is go to outdoor festivals with my friends and drink beers.

I think it’s time I realized that this behavior does not amount to a fitness regime. As such, I hereby renounce the Cold Beer Diet. It’s just not gonna do anyone any good, least of all me.

In fact, I think I’ll give up on coming up with a regime of any kind and concentrate on my own fitness. Along those lines, this weekend I will be returning to my bicycle saddle at the Gambler. Come out and join us for a pleasant 100k and then watch some professional racing that night! I’m super excited about it.

In preparation, I just pranced up to the grocery store in my trusty steed, Mazda, to procure some new blades for my lady razor. With any luck, we’ll have some nice weather on Saturday, my legs will be silky smooth, and I won’t fall off my bike. Last thing I want to do is scrub to a stop on the asphalt using my back skin again.

Speaking of ladies shaving products, have you ever noticed that things have a ton of packaging these days? My lazy razor replacement blades have a box, then they’re each taped together in what I assume is their mating position, and then they’re individually packaged as well. Annoying!

The things we men must do for good grooming. Sheesh! Well anyway, it should be a really fun weekend and I hope to see you on a bike, even if you have gross hairy sasquatch legs.

From time to time a few ideas get accidentally whooshed into my brain much as a leaf might accidentally blow into the clothes dryer. There’s nothing for them to do once inside but get tumbled around with the underpants. There’s one in there now, and the only remedy is to talk about it.

Before I go any farther, let me start by saying that I am not a doctor. I do not own a stethoscope or a white coat. I do not have any university degrees or any medical training whatsoever. Listening to what I am about to say could cause your face to explode and a gang of parakeets dressed as old-timey businessmen to attack your nipples.

Running To Stand Still

Here’s the thing: A lot of people think that losing weight is all about exercise. I did too. Why do you think I did all the endurance races I did, because I wanted everyone to see my love handles jiggle? No. It was because I wanted to eat whatever I wanted and still lose weight. I was wrong to think it would work.

I used to think that cyclists were thin because they rode bikes all the time, that marathoners were thin because they ran all the time, or that triathletes were shiny because they were covered in Pam. Well, I was right about the Pam, but I think that athletes gravitate toward sports that they are good at. I don’t think their chosen sport molds them.

I’m on the Cold Beer Diet

See what I’m saying here? I was wrong to think that if I did two workouts a day I would be thin. Of course it helped, but I should have exercised less and watched my diet more.

I still love riding bikes, but I have to watch my diet too. It’s hard, though. Just think of all those poor, delicious, cold draught beers out there. They’re not gonna drink themselves, people.

Of course, this diet has its side effects. Cheryl says I fell off a piano bench on Saturday, and my sunglasses are missing, but I don’t remember either so they don’t count.

You know, I have to say I think it is especially self-absorbed of us, as Earthlings, to celebrate Earth day. What about the other planets in our solar system? Don’t you think Mars should get a day, especially given that we invaded it with robots? Hell, the Russkies are flinging space machines at Venus like women toss panties at Tom Jones. Can’t we toss these planets a day once a year?

Now, you might be saying to yourself, “But Jim, Mars is a nearly featureless wasteland where no life or love can find purchase, much like my ex-wife’s cold, cold heart,” …and to you I say that that is awkward, and we should try to stay on topic.

Looking Past the Shortcomings

Listen: just because a planet might have clouds of noxious acid, in the case of Venus, or boring and useless CO2 in the case of Mars, does not mean that it is not a nice one to be on. Tom Jones dances like a high school freshman at Homecoming and plenty of people have been on him.

We should be mindful of the fact that Earth is really groovy, but not at the expense of Martian or Venusian feelings, let alone those of Jupiter.

Jupiter doesn’t even have a surface to land on, for Pete’s sake. How do you think it feels? It’s basically just a gigantic multicolored fart cloud out there. Yeah it has a bunch of dumb moons swarming around it, but what good are they?

Conclusion

I think that the most politically correct thing to do here is to rename Earth Day to Planet Day and celebrate all the planets in our solar system with equal pride. We don’t have to change anything here on Earth. The HR department can still get all flipped out and distribute flyers about global warming or whatever they do over there. I just think we should broaden our scope.

I don’t mean to sound like a planetist here, but sorry, Pluto. You didn’t make the cut. You’ll get nothing and like it.

Yesterday I was forwarded a shocking video. It is targeted at parents who understand that heroin is bad for kids, but who may not understand that a burger is just as bad. I admit I also didn’t understand that, but then, I do not have a kid.

Have a look at the video, forwarded by Colleen, and see what you think:

The imagery is shocking right off the bat. For starters, I did not realize that Ugg boots were a problem in Australia. I thought only American women would wear such a thing. Turns out that Ugg boots are from Australia. Where’s the PSA campaign against them, I wonder?

At least she’s not also wearing sweatpants with them… this time. I digress.

Recession Ingestion

I don’t pretend to know what it takes to raise a child, but I suspect that some parents are having to make some difficult choices. I suspect that they’re choosing to feed burgers to their kids because burgers are cheaper than healthy food and we’re in a “recession.” I didn’t make that up, I just heard it from some scientists.

To combat this problem we have some PSAs here in the States that are targeted at childhood obesity as well. Here’s one version:

Who better to educate kids about the dangers of obesity than, uh, two visibly obese ogres? I dont know. I’m confused, honestly. Maybe we can ask Shrek to clear things up for us. Help me out, Shrek!

OK that is not helpful, dude. Let’s try again.

Sigh.

You know, I don’t mean to be cynical here, but I’m starting to think that Shrek only recorded that anti-obesity PSA to offset the mountain of messages coming from him about candy and fast food. Sometimes I feel like I am in The Matrix, only instead of the machines using me as a battery at the expense of my freedom, it feels like I’m being used for my money at the expense of my health and well-being.

That can’t be right, though. That’s just too dark.

What I really want is to be able to dress like Laurence Fishburne’s character from The Matrix all the time. Remember that purple suit with the lime green lining? And those purple alligator shoes? Tell me that ain’t hot! Ok, I digress again.

Honestly, I’m torn about this kind of thing because I think that it’s largely a consumer’s responsibility to pick what they consume. At the same time, I don’t think it is fair for anyone to trick or mislead anyone else and I think that Shrek’s position on what foods are right to eat is certainly misleading.

Help me out here, people. What do you think?

I came across a link to this website this morning, and I thought some of you might appreciate it. It is a diatribe directed at overweight people, or as they are known in politically correct terms, the “gravitationally blessed.”

Here’s a link and a quote:

You’re fat because you eat too much. Let’s just start with that. If you’re fat, you’re eating too much damn food. Period. It’s not your paren’t[sic] fault for giving you the “fat” gene. It may be their fault that they made you like food so much, but for once in your fat life let’s stop blaming other people, OK?

Speaking as someone who was oh-my-god-it’s-a-giant-talking-ham fat myself, that was pretty much precisely my problem. I don’t agree with the site’s tone, because I don’t think that yelling at people is very helpful, but I can’t really disagree with the points it makes.

The Web Site Version of a Drive-By Shouting

Amazingly, the site isn’t even trying to sell anything. It just wants to make its point in the style of a Geocities web page from 1998 and then move along on its way. I hate to say it, but it’s kind of refreshing, in a way.

Think about it. How often does someone walk up to you, tell you exactly what they think in no uncertain terms, and then roll out? Pretty much never, because there are huge social repercussions to telling it like it is. I don’t recommend trying it, honestly.

I once told it like it was over email to a former coworker–I told him I’d always thought he was “a douche”–and I still regret it ten years later even though he really was and still is 100% a douche.

Mo’ Food, Mo’ Problems

I don’t think that everyone who is fat is stupid, but I do think that a lot of overweight people are misinformed and/or fooling themselves. Yelling at people is never going to help, but speaking for myself, I must say that I wasn’t being my smartest when I was eating cheeseburgers three meals a day.

In fact, I was pretty stupid!