Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Oil Changes, Schematics, Baseball Statistics, Lawn Care

This post is about oil changes, which promote long engine life and maximum gas mileage. Are you aware that you can use a baseball to perform an oil change? It’s true, you just… okay are the girls gone? Good. This ones just for you, guys.

Now, listen up. We all know the girls are going to try to hit us with the same old April Fools “I’m Pregnant! LOL” act that they think is so damned funny, but this year we’re going to strike first. I’m going to detail some select methods. Choose the one which fits your situation best, or modify any of them as needed.

PHOTO: Jolene Van Laar
Before we get started, realize that the point here is not to convince her that you are medically pregnant. I’m not a doctor, but I don’t think that’s going to work. No, the point is just to pre-empt her attack and save yourself that nagging feeling that she might be.

Hey, you’re too young for your dreams to be dead. Right? Right. Read on.

Method One: By Phone

This can be as simple as just calling her up and saying “Hey listen baby, just stopped by the Doc’s office. He says there’s nothing to worry about just yet, but they’re running a few more tests and, well, it looks like we might be pregnant!”

This must be delivered somewhere between absolutely deadpan and giddy as a schoolgirl.

Do not let her ask too many questions. Girls know a lot of subtle mind tricks, so don’t give her an opportunity to hem you in. Just say the above, and then get off the phone.

Remember, the point is to deflate her attack by striking first, not to convince her that a baby is somehow going to emerge from your body. Again, I am not a trained physician but that cannot happen to you, even if you tell your girl it can.

Method Two: In Person

Here again, we want to strike with surgical precision. Get in, deliver the information payload, and then get the hell out. Tell her you need to talk, sit her down, tell her you’re pregnant, and then leave the area as fast as possible.

Here’s a tip: end the conversation, distract her, and create an escape for yourself all at once by turning on Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing at top volume. Girls cannot resist this song and you’ll be able to run out while she’s raising her arms up and going “WOO!”

You also may wish to employ the Chinese Shirt Roll to emphasize visually that you are with child. Let me again stress that rolling your shirt up this way and claiming to be with child will not actually make you pregnant. It is a medical impossibility, and I don’t care what you’ve learned from Schwarzenegger movies.

Conclusion: Strike First, Strike Hard, Poke Out Your Gut

These are just some suggestions, so feel free to interpret them or tailor them for your own situation. If you come up with any good ideas beyond this, please share them with me.

Good luck out there, men. Stay strong, and remember, there is no way that you, as a dude, can become pregnant.

2 thoughts on “Oil Changes, Schematics, Baseball Statistics, Lawn Care”

  1. Michael Hawkins

    I think the better tactic is to work with her rather than against. That’s what I did two years ago, informing co-workers, friends, and even my parents that she was pregnant. I found it funnier than most people.

    Strangely, I am now single.

  2. Justin

    Its 2011… where’s the Twitter… FaceBook… MySpace… nay its 2011 scratch the MySpace. While I don’t offer any valid methods for embarking on this April fools plight I would like to see some updated deliveries. Who talks now a days. Spreading germs. Sharing air and space. I quiver at the thought.