I Miss Kilimanjaro, aka Africa’s Boob

People call Kilimanjaro the roof of Africa, but that doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. It’s more like Africa’s single prodigious boob.

I defy anyone to look at this aerial photo and tell me that doesn’t look like a giant sweater puppy.

PHOTO: Rajesh Badiani

It’s been six months since I got back and I have to say that it was among the greatest experiences of my life. I cannot urge you strongly enough to go and climb Kilimanjaro yourself and then do a safari day or two. I’m going to quickly go over the trip’s finer points. Everything that I am about to say happened exactly as I describe it.

If you don’t believe me, you don’t deserve boobs. If you don’t know what that means, neither do I. Figure it out.

Zebra Fight

Ever seen zebras fight? I have, and it’s awesome. They lock their mighty necks together cheek to cheek and ear to ear, and then bare their teeth and scream and snort, all the while charging and ramming one another, kicking up a huge plume of dust.

Now that I think about it it was a lot like some of my more awkward makeout sessions, but whatever. I got better at it. Rarely ever does Cheryl get whiplash anymore. Point is that zebras are majestic stacks of wild testosterone and they are aggressive and physical sometimes, just like me. Deal with it.

The Shira Plateau will blow your mind

I’m telling you that this place will cause your mouth to open. You will be incapable of higher thought. Your pants will most likely fall down and even your buttcheeks will be amazed. That’s how awesome the Shira plateau is, and the best part is you get to enjoy it for three days if you do the Lemosho route.

In all honesty, there has never been a landscape that completely broke my heart because it was so beautiful until I laid eyes on the Shira plateau. I will never forget it.

Baboons do whatever they want

And I do mean whatever they want. Running around in traffic? No problem. Doing sex on a branch in full view of passersby? No problem. Walking around with a big gross ass? You get the drift.

I wish that Baboons, as a whole, had a twitter account so that I could send them a shout out right now. Big ups, baboons.

In conclusion, my trip to Tanzania was probably the best thing I have ever done in my life. I got so much out of it, I can’t stop talking about it. I barely even mention Ironman anymore and I usually bring that up within 10 seconds of meeting someone new.

Pack your crap and get on a plane. You will thank me. And you’ll also probably see baboons do it.