Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

The Blog Your Bike Could Smell Like

Look at your bike. Now back to this blog. Now at your bike. Now back to this blog. This blog takes place in the world you’d like to be riding in. Yes! A world where riders travel with an entourage of sleek and beautiful lady assassins because girls both understand and are interested in professional as well as local bicycle racing. Now look at your feet. Now look at my blog. I’m wearing brand new carbon soled shoes — in white of course. I’m riding a bike whose price tag and the GNP of Peru are quite similar. Now look at your pack position. Now back to me. I’m on the podium.

I just had the opportunity yesterday to watch a somewhat weird video from the folks at Ironclad Performance Wear Cycling Team, which led me first to laugh my head off, and then to go in search of their web site.

First, the video (WARNING: swearing and weird masks ahead):

The part that made me laugh happens at 1:30, when a rider is asked to catch the break. I think anyone who has been gapped on a road bike can identify with the rider’s sentiments. I was shocked to learn that this video only as around 530 views as of this blog post, but then I realized that it was also on Vimeo and had many more views there.

The hilarious Ironclad cycling video led me to the cycling team responsible for it, and after a short google, I found this on their web site:

Yes, that is a woman making out with a goat. What could be more relevant to cycling than that?

I also owe the fine folks at Ironclad thanks for alerting me to the fact that this Thursday, November 18th, is “Have Sex With A Guy With A Mustache Day” according to Asylum, which is an online men’s magazine from AOL, as near as I can tell.

Remember AOL? They stole the internet from Compuserve, then Yahoo stole it from them. Now Google has it, but Facebook is trying to take it away.

All that aside, it is highly ridiculous to have a special day for having sex with mustached men because people are literally falling all over themselves to have sex with mustached men every day of the year. You think my racing team is named Faster Mustache because mustaches turn people off? Hell no!

Tom Selleck has no idea that bedsheets exist because every bed he’s ever slept in has been covered entirely in nubile women. And why? Mustache!

If you need a reason to grow a mustache besides those listed above, then I suggest you take a look at Movember, an organization that raises awareness for charity one mustache at a time. Just be aware that sex is going to happen to you a lot in the process, not just on Novemer 18th… although I guess it would be ok then too.

Extra Special Deleted Paragraph Section
[This paragraph didn’t make the final cut, but I had fun writing it so I’m including it here. Enjoy! –Jim]

Ever wanted to fight a dinosaur? Maybe a dinosaur wearing a tie, so you could grab the tie with one hand and pull him as you punch with the other just to kick his ass just that much harder? Hell yeah, son… That’s what I’m talking about! That’s the kind of thing that happens around here.

6 thoughts on “The Blog Your Bike Could Smell Like”

  1. Justin
     · 

    Thursday needs to be a Team Holiday!

  2. Emily
     · 

    roadies are not supposed to be that funny…

  3. jim
     · 

    I resent that, Emily.

  4. Adam Moreland
     · 

    I hate to beat a dead stegosaurus, but dinosaurs almost exclusively wear bow ties. Great blog, but you should probably be a little more careful with your fact checking.

  5. Neil
     · 

    I told you that you need to come out to Oregon.