Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Animal Kingdom Update: Squirrels, Protect Your Nuts

Photo: Gilles Gonthier
It has been said that I am a friend to the animal kingdom. It has also been said that I am much more; that I am their leader, and that all beasts serve me unwaveringly. Granted, all of this has been proclaimed about me by me in a quite loud voice while standing rather unsteadily in my favorite local pub, but that does not make it any less true. I say this to preface the following post, because it is not intended for humans. If you are a human, please disregard the first part of following post. It is intended for squirrels.

Guys, you have really got to stay out of the damned road! I went riding last night for a few hours and I noticed quite a few of your number squished unceremoniously in the roadway and many others frittering about in lanes of travel, apparently hoping to be squished themselves very soon. What the hell? Don’t you know better by now?

Its bad enough that you dart out in front of me on the bike, but a car? Hell, those things run into cyclists all the time and we’re 50 times your size and brightly colored. You are tiny and the color of ground. I know you need to go out into the world and scrounge up some nuts for winter or whatever but damn.

OK, that aside, now a warning for humans. Do not – I repeat – do not search Google for “furry squirrel” with SafeSearch off. If you do, you will find some very unsettling things.

But take heed, friends! All is well in the animal kingdom as a whole. As you can see from the below photo, milk snakes have begun posing for sculptures which serve as very nice bike racks.

You can tell it’s a milk snake and not a deadly coral snake in two ways. First, by the markings, and second by the fact that all coral snakes are insufferable assholes. Just remember the old saying:

Black touch Red, friend of Fred, Red touch Yellow, harmful D-bag.

Actually, now that I look closer I see that the second half of that milk snake is actually a coral snake. We might be looking at a rare hybrid milky coral snake, or just a screw up on the part of the artist, or perhaps a milk snake that is at this moment being consumed by a douche-tastic coral snake, but whatever the case, it is still probably a decent place to lock your bike.

The important thing to remember here is that you can’t tell a book by its cover, but you can tell if you shouldn’t be in the road if you’re a squirrel, and you can probably tell if you should leave something alone if it is snake shaped. Sure, some snakes are nicer than others and they are fairly easily color coded, but its best just to leave them all be unless you’re sure they are a bike rack sculpture.

I mean, it’s bad to get bitten by a d-bag snake but you might recover from that. A stolen bike… perhaps not!