If you’re going to ride bikes, you are very likely going to sweat, especially if you live in Atlanta. I love my city, don’t get me wrong, but the humid air here can be heavy, annoying, and detrimental to athletic performance, like carrying a drunk uncle over either shoulder. Your body’s natural response to the temperature, which is not to mention the too-much-info things a drunk uncle is prepared to say to you, is to sweat profusely.
Those fluids must be replenished, and that, in turn, means that sooner or later you are going to need to pee. If you’re a man, this means fun times swishing the pee stream around, or perhaps writing your name. If you’re a lady, I have no idea what it means. Cheryl says that when girls go to the bathroom rainbows come out the front and blueberries come out the back, and I am totally prepared to believe her on both counts.
Needing to pee when one is inside one’s cycling bibs, however, is a little bit of an issue. You have to get your gear out so it can do work, but what’s the best way? Also note that this guide is not for people who wear shorts instead of bibs, as those people just pee all over themselves and their bikes. Looking at you, triathletes.
If you are housebroken, however, you have two options. The first is to grasp the elastic at the bottom of one of your leg holes, pull it away from your leg, and dangle your gentleman’s bits down and out. This move is known as the Dangling Wrangler. It can work just fine, but there are a few problems with it. First of all, cycling has a pronounced shrinking effect on a man’s kickstand. Whereas you might have had the length to perform a pee-on-the-leg-free Danging Wrangler when you got on the bike, chances are that after a vigorous ride you’d have trouble making it around the corner, let alone down the street, if you catch my drift.
I prefer, instead, to perform a maneuver that I call the Hunch-N-Flop. It has five simple steps.
1. Hunch over
2. Flop out your business
3. War cry
5. War farts
Now, I’ll grant you, some of these steps might be considered superfluous, but trust me when I tell you that it’s with your best interest in mind that I include them. Here’s the detailed breakdown.
1. Hunch – Basically you want to bend your spine unnaturally in the worst mockery of good posture, giving the straps of your bibs a little slack to work with. This should be done with sufficient force to make you emit a throaty grunt.
2. Flop – Hook the thumb of one hand into the waistband of your bibs in the center of your body, and pull down. Use the other to scoop your fleshy niblets up and out like you’re cleaning out a jack-o-lantern.
3. War Cry – I’ll be honest, I recommend this step any time you are getting out your tackle. There are precious few occasions when it is acceptable to present yourself, as my arrest record will attest, and those occasions should be marked with a bone-chilling war cry. It lets people know that you’re about to do work. Serious work.
4. Pee – You should know how to do this.
5. War Farts – There’s no better way to conclude a Hunch-N-Flop than to rip a chamois-burning cheek flapper. If those nearby aren’t already cowering in fear from your war cry, this harbinger of doom will have them running scared, no question.
Everything after this point is left up to the pee-er himself, but basically amounts to performing the Hunch and Flop portions of the maneuver in reverse. You may wish to add a “Ta-daaa!” and a flourish at the very end, but be careful if you are wearing your cycling cleats on a tile bathroom floor or you’ll find yourself on your back in whatever pee didn’t totally go where it was supposed to while you were farting and screaming your head off. Ta daaa!
That should wrap it up, friends. I hope this guide has been helpful, and please do remember to let me know when you’ve performed the Hunch-N-Flop and had those around you remark on its effectiveness. They definitely will!