Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Bike Agenda Threatens Denver

I’ve often thought about a life in politics for myself. After all, I like wearing suits and nice shoes, and it seems like a pretty easy gig. As we all know, in life there are two very clear cut sides to every story. All you have to do is pick a party, stay on their side of whatever the issue is, and try to be discreet about your embezzlement and perverse sexual misdeeds for as long as you can.

The seemingly ever-growing spectre of money mis-management and people mis-humpagement is occasionally beaten off, however, when the rare brave politician stands up against a true menace. In this case, I mean, of course, the United Nations, up against which has stood Denver Republican gubernatorial candidate Dan Maes, as I read in this Denver Post article forwarded to me yesterday by my friend Thomas Wheatley, an avid clogger.

Unfortunately I am at a bit of a loss to reinforce the horror that will be brought to us all by the UN because I don’t really know what they ever do, but apparently they are using bicycles to inveigle the fine citizens of Denver somehow, even though they don’t seem to be related to the ICLEI, which is the organization actually involved.

I didn't hear a harumph out of that guy... You watch your ass!

The scourge that threatens Denver has a name, friends, and that name is “Sustainability”. Yes, somehow, the UN via the ICLEI intents to ah… make it cheaper and easier to live and commute to work in Denver, and that is… objectionable. I guess. Denver, I just want you to know that while I am very fond of cycling, I would only ever attempt to deceive you if you had the poor presence of mind to elect me as a public official. For as long as I’m merely a cyclist and visitor in your fair city, I can be trusted… unless someone’s left a plate of donuts out.

Look, I don’t honestly know what the hell, and neither does Dan Maes.

“This is bigger than it looks like on the surface, and it could threaten our personal freedoms,” Maes said.

He added: “These aren’t just warm, fuzzy ideas from the mayor. These are very specific strategies that are dictated to us by this United Nations program that mayors have signed on to.”

God I want to be a politician so bad. Just look at the way those words mean absolutely nothing, except where they contain factual errors. Easiest gig in the world — and think of all the chicks who would have illicit affairs with me! Instead of just writing poems to Cheryl and hoping she realizes she should come back, I could be tearfully apologizing to my constituents for absconding with her using state funds in the first place!

Damn it, what a life it would be. Oh well, in the mean time I’m trying to encourage my temples to go gray before the rest of my hairs do in an attempt to look as distinguished as possible. I’m sure I can get elected somewhere.

Then I’ll hit them with a bike agenda like they’ve never seen before. Muahahaha!