Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

History Channel’s Top Shot: Too Many Feelings

There is a widespread popular misconception about people who like guns, which is that they necessarily want to use those guns to shoot people. If I were mad enough at some person to do bodily harm to them, I’d much rather punch them than shoot them with a gun. I don’t want them to die before they have time to realize how wrong they are, after all.

Thinking about this gun/punch comparison has made me realize that you just don’t see a lot of long range punches. It would be pretty awesome to be a punch sniper. Maybe ninjas can do it; I don’t know. This is an excellent built in safety feature that punches have over guns. Rare is the child in a movie about gang violence who has been hit accidentally in a drive-by punching.

I’m not saying that punching kids is okay any time, mind you. Unless they deserve it.

Shooting and hitting things, though, does have an awfully primal attraction, which is why I took the time to watch the first five minutes of a new History Channel show called Top Shot. Here’s the Wikipedia knowlege on the show:

The show features 16 contestants, split into two teams of eight, competing in various types of shooting challenges. One by one, the contestants are eliminated until only one remains. That contestant will receive the $100,000 grand prize and the title of “Top Shot.”

Sixteen expert marksman? Shooting challenges? Winning money? It all sounds pretty manly and extremely awesome. It was with high hopes for such that I started the show. Sadly, the colossal lameness of the format hit me like a speeding ninja sniper punch delivered directly to my pants citizens.

It is shot in the MTV Real World style. If you’re not familiar with that style of television program, it essentially revolves around the idea that there should be one minute of stuff going on followed by three to four minutes of people giving retrospective monologs about how they felt at the time. It makes perfect sense if your show is about what happens when a bunch of self-absorbed people’s egos rub together, but is out of place and off-putting on Top Shot.

The History Channel has stopped short of making all its marksmen wear ball gowns and speak at all times in high-pitched impressions of the Queen of England, but is probably considering these measures for next season. Seriously, guys… way to take a show about marksmanship and turn it into something that no self-respecting man would admit to watching.

I try not to cry on my gun for fear of rust, so I usually just sob into someone else's big strong arms.

What’s next on the lineup, the Boob Hour featuring only male breasts?

Now, I realize its hard to take a marksmanship tournament that could pretty much be decided in a day and stretch it out into 12 episodes or however many, but you’ve gone too far. Top Shot even has an elimination challenge style ceremony where players vote each other off the show. It is a mockery of all things man.

I think you guys could have spent a lot more time coming up with some cool shooting challenges so I could watch highly skilled people shooting guns. Instead, I’m watching a grown man bitching about some other grown man taking charge of a situation without asking for permission. Or I was, at least, before I turned it off, never to watch again.

Honestly, I weep for the state of manhood in this country. Openly. In a sun dress.