Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Kilimanjaro Vaccinations

I’m happy to say that the preparations for my upcoming assault on Mount Kilimanjaro and attendant traipse through the wilds of Africa in hopes of laying eyes on a lion are now in full swing. I mean, of course, by “in full swing” that they’ve been discussed with good intention, but by no means implemented.

Remind me to find some time to hike around in my new hiking boots so they’ll be nice and broken in. If this opportunity doesn’t present itself, I’m sure no one will mind if I wear them around socially. Perhaps it will give me just the rugged, outdoorsy air that wearing that bearskin rug as a cape never did.

As I look forward to the trip, the 24 hours of air travel are at least as daunting to me as the actual hike up the mountain. At least when you’re climbing a mountain there’s some room to stretch out. I’m hoping to be able to convince my doctor to equip me with some sort of pharmaceuticals to aid this part of the trip. I have an image of myself seated in an airplane next to a squawking chicken in a cage for 19 hours and I’d like to sleep through it if at all possible.

Nothing against the chicken, of course, unless it tries to give me Hepatitis.

Which brings me to the list of diseases that I’m in at least some danger of getting. These include, but are in no way limited to, Hepatitis A, Hepatitis B, Malaria, Meningitis, Rabies, Typhoid, Yellow Fever, and death. I list “death” because while it’s not technically a disease and could even be thought of as the ultimate cure, it’s still something that I don’t at all wish to catch.

I am emboldened by the notion that much of my exposure to these diseases can be mitigated by not eating shellfish, avoiding sexual contact with the local population, and not getting bitten by any wildlife. I don’t particularly like shellfish, so that problem is easily handled, and I certainly don’t intend to make myself available for any animals to bite me.

If I am met with any particularly attractive Tanzanians, I guess I will just chant “Hepatitis! Malaria! Rabies!” etc over and over again until the feeling goes away.

Suddenly I feel a powerful urge to engage in a wild sexual orgy with an array of hot lady Tanzanians while feasting on shrimp and being attacked by a monkey. Hopefully it will pass.