Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

It is Rude to Poison People

I have to wonder what Poison Ivy’s motives really are, as I sit here with a couple of extremely itchy spots on my legs. I understand that it’s a defensive maneuver, irritating the skin of anyone who comes near you, but its really not helpful when that person isn’t able to distinguish you from any other plant in the forest.

Oh hey there. I'm a leafy jerk.

I mean, yes I know what Poison Ivy looks like, I was a Boy Scout after all. I even have the shirt to prove it. When I am traipsing through the woods such as I was last weekend on the adventure race, though, I’m concerning myself with getting from one place to another. I’m not examining every little plant to see if it is a jerk or not.

A lot of plants and animals that are poisonous in some way do the world a courtesy by being brightly colored. In this way they ensure that they’re easy to spot and avoid, but not Poison Ivy. It is green just like every other little plant hanging out in the woods, a perfectly camouflaged assailant just lurking there and waiting to make my life hell for a week.

You’ve got to step up your game, Poison Ivy. You need to evolve some bright coloring, or perhaps the ability to play the trombone. It’s not like I particularly want to step on you or brush your leaves.

Do you honestly think I want to touch your dumb leaves? I don’t!