Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Good Morning, Dumbass!

My friend Nancy mentioned to me that she was going to a chamber of commerce meeting, and that I should come along and hand out some business cards. I need money for bicycle parts, which means I need as many clients as I can get, so I said I would go. I put it on my calendar and then carefully set my alarm last night.

I thought it was such a good idea that I talked my buddy Mike into going. He agreed to meet me at my house at 6:30AM so we could ride up together.

I just happened to forget one minor detail… which is that I left the alarm set to “OFF”. It’s got to hurt my phone’s feelings to be toyed with like that, sort of like picking up a frisbee and a leash where your dog can see and then leaving the house without taking him outside to play.

More importantly, I woke up at 9am to find myself totally rested and completely a dumbass.

One complicating factor here is that I also try to put my phone on silent every night before I go to sleep. I have a lot of night owl friends who like to text inane crap at all hours, and I get mad when they wake me up.

Example late night text:
1:15AM 3/18/10 <unknown number>: hey

Hey yourself, unknown number. I’m trying to sleep here. Obviously I deleted you for a reason. That, or you have the wrong number. Either way it’s 1:15AM and you’ve very likely been drinking all day (St. Patrick’s Day), so whatever you intended as a followup to “hey” is probably wildly inappropriate and best slept through.

I combat these buffoons by turning my phone’s ringer off before I get in bed. Unfortunately that meant that when Mike arrived at my house this morning, right on time, he was not able to wake me up. He’s now threatenig to “lob a squirrel” through my window.

Sorry about that, Mike. Consider this my public apology, especially since there isn’t a squirrel in this neighborhood who would dare cross me as you would soon find.

I was really looking forward to putting on my power slacks and drumming up some new business, too. Shame.