Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Open Pores

I am a person who has battled acne for most of his life. The detestable bumps do their level best to make me look like a complete douche. Unfortunately I can’t blame them for making me act like an idiot, as that’s the fault of my mind weasels.

Anyway, acting like an idiot can be pretty fun.

In the shower I have to scrub myself with various different kinds of soaps in order to keep blemishes at bay. I have a special soap for my back and shoulders, and another one for my face.

I don’t mind too terribly much. It’s not as though I’m the only person who has to be mindful of skin care, and in fact, I suspect some other people have it much worse than I do, but the things I like to do pretty much all involve being sweaty, so I shower and scrub frequently.

I’m always concerned that two of the soaps will have some sort of violent chemical reaction if they should come into direct contact with one another, so I take pains to make sure one is washed off before the next phase of Jim-scrubbing commences. I don’t want to accidentally blow a hand off because I didn’t know that my body wash is an acid and Foaming Facial Scrub is a base.

Scrubbing my face is my favorite part. The face soap is vaguely mentholesque, so it’s sort of like smearing mint chocolate chip ice cream on my face, something I’ve long ago had to give up for skin care and calorie intake reasons. I was just starting to scrub my face last night when my eyes caught sight of the face wash bottle. It says “Cleans deep down to the pores” on it.

I closed my eyes, began scrubbing, and thought about that. How deep down are my pores? Aren’t they right on top? Am I being swindled by my face scrub here?

I remember as a kid my mom wouldn’t let me shower and then immediately leave the house because she didn’t want me going out with my pores all open. Not being able to see them to gauge their state, I was without any sort of logical defense to this. So, I just showered early and then sat around a while, my pores presumably going about the business of closing in the safety of our home.

I still think about that when I am late for somewhere and take a hasty shower before I leave.

Yes, yes, I’m late, but damn it people I’ve got open pores here!