Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Gorilla Misogyny

It’s no secret that I suffer from high self esteem. The only question there seems to be with regard to my high opinion of myself is whether or not it is deserved. I’ll thank you not to ask certain former dating partners of mine what their position on the matter is. Give it a rest, Cheryl!

Thankfully, I now have one more reason to be proud of myself, at least where my player status vs that of a gorilla is concerned.

On Friday, I read this column in the Guardian by Carole Jahme, an evolutionary psychologist, titled “Penis size: An evolutionary perspective”. In it, she writes:

Well now, that is just rude.

Today, the average erect gorilla penis is 3cm (1.25 inches) long, the average chimp or bonobo penis comes in at around 8cm and the average human penis stands at around 13cm. […] The human penis [is] far more flexible than that of other primate species.

Ha HA! Take that, gorillas!

Not only do I, as a human, have significantly larger dangly parts, but I have much more forward-thinking and women-friendly dating patterns as well. Jahme’s article states that human males are selected by the females, whereas gorilla males just fight each other for control of a harem. The lady gorillas have no say in the matter.

Hey, it’s not 1950 anymore, gorillas. Women have options now. They can get paid slightly less than we do anywhere they choose to work.

Apparently human dongs are also way more bendy than gorilla dongs. Which is, you know… good. I think.

Ouch.

Jahme goes on to say in the article that male gorillas are known to compensate for their diminutive wangs by driving convertibles. She also found bluetooth headsets in their ears and blond highlights in their hair. You’re not fooling anyone, gorilla! A new iPhone does not a good lover make.

Come on, gorilla... just relax and be yourself!

Because women select their partners in the human dating scene, there’s really no reason for me to do anything but walk around being awesome and wait for chicks to notice. Gorillas have to spend all their time in the gym so they can be bigger and more intimidating.

Human males occasionally try to imitate this behavior, which is what gives us hilarious reality programming like The Jersey Shore. As funny as it may be to us as outside viewers, it doesn’t work out so well for the participants themselves.

Take note, human males. Perhaps the most important point from the article is that our ladies pick us. We do not pick them. That means if you are interested in a girl and she’s not giving you the time of day, you need to move on. You didn’t make the cut. Sorry, champ!

Take your rejection like a man: tell yourself (and your friends) that she’s crazy!

Just don’t try to be a gorilla about it because its not going to work, and everyone will think you have a tiny wang.

7 thoughts on “Gorilla Misogyny”

  1. Joel
     · 

    Hey, I take offense!!! The Jersey Shore is…well actually you’re right, it sucks =)

  2. jim
     · 

    Don’t get me wrong, I love it, but it is silly.

  3. gorilla gal
     · 

    Actually gorilla females do have a choice.The males have to ATTRACT females to their harem.They don’t drag them in kicking and screaming..Female gorillas can leave a group anytime they like and often do. Often when a male dies for instance , the group can divide up and be attracted to several silverbacks; no one male just barges in and “takes over”..it’s a lot more nuanced than this.Yes, males do compete and at times fight with other silverbacks for access to females but most of it is displaying and strutting around to show off for the females basically saying “look at me..arn’t I gorgeous!..join/or start my harem and mate with me”..lol…it’s up to the females to choose . Some stay with their silverback for years sometimes decades, others have been known to transfer multiple times and having several kids in each different group, often leaving the fully weaned kid(s) behind with the old silverback and then taking up with another. Once the choice has been made , however,she tends to mate only with her chosen silverback, hence the small penis size.

  4. jim
     · 

    you do realize that your actual facts are ruining my nonsense…

    What about the bluetooth headset and the highlights?

  5. gorilla gal
     · 

    mmm…the blue tooth would probably be mouthed ,chewed on and discarded, but the blonde highlights could be a real hit….males that have bright red head crests are known to be quite attractive to the females in Cameroon I hear :-)

  6. mj
     · 

    lmao @ Jim’s reply to gorilla gal’s first comment.

    Funny stuff! :D