Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Kick Ass, the Review

Last night, a strange sensation overcame me. I felt decidedly odd, but was not able to determine the source of it. It wasn’t a bad feeling, precisely, or a good one; just odd.

I retired to my mirrored room and pranced around with my ceremonial scimitars for a while, declaring over and over in a deep bellow that “I am the handsomest of the gentlemen” complete with ballet-like fluid arm gestures, but while it lifted my spirits, it did not dispel the feeling.

Then an associate of mine contacted me to ask if I’d like to go see a movie, and I replied with an uncharacteristic “yes”, even though I do not normally go on dates with dudes. He wanted to take in the film Kick-Ass, and I had been hearing around the neighborhood that it was really good. I remember distinctly the girl at the bike shop saying so.

The title certainly sounded like something I wanted to see. I cast my scimitars aside, looked it up on the interplops and watched the trailer.

“Oh,” I thought. “No, this isn’t something I really want to see.”

Still, I had made a date and I keep my word even when I don’t want to.

Honestly, it was a pretty original movie. Whatever else I think about it, they at least managed to make something that I hadn’t seen before. Never before, for instance, had I seen a teenaged girl kill so many people, or seen on screen a creepier father/daughter relationship than hers with her father.

More disturbingly, I had also not ever heard a girl of that age use language like the word that starts with the letter “C” and rhymes with “bunts”. I’ll be honest, it really wasn’t an enjoyable experience.

I do not consider myself a prudish person, and in fact I may have committed some fairly filthy acts in my time, but as an uncle to the sweetest, prettiest, smartest female child ever born (currently aged two) I was kind of appalled that a girl child that young would be allowed to say such a thing on camera, or at all.

The only time that word is appropriate is in the context of a movie like Trainspotting, I think, and that landscape is no place for a girl, her ass-kicking abilities notwithstanding.

I approve of her character being able to take care of herself and not fearing any attacker. I myself taught my sister the proper way to deliver a punch (something I regretted deeply after the fact), but the stabbing and the slicing and the needless hooker killing is too much for me.

tongues out
Uncle/Niece Seal of Disapproval

I mean, why kill the hooker? Where’s the female-to-female courtesy? She’s already dressed horribly and consorting with lowlifes. I mean, how do you even know she’s in cahoots with those guys? She’s probably just there trying to make a buck, and her only crime apart from ones against good fashion sense was delivering the second worst line in the film after the C-word one.

It must be said, I’d also never imagined McLovin as a superhero, but I have heard him called the “fastest kid alive” so I guess he had the chops.

My last problem with this film is that it’s one of those where filmmakers pretend that you can trick a pretty girl into liking you. I realize this is only a movie and that no one is supposed to take it seriously, but there are millions of dorky teenaged males out there watching this and being influenced by it.

In the story, the hot girl somehow gets the idea that the main character is gay, and he plays along in order to spend time with her. Then, later, he confesses simultaneously, after breaking in to her room, that he is the superhero AND not gay, and she immediately has sex with him.

This next part is so important, I’m going to emphasize the whole thing by bumping up the font size.

Guys: listen up. This is you twenty years from now talking. Ignore what anyone tells you. Ignore what you see in this movie, in romantic comedies and in every sitcom ever produced. They are lying to you.

If you want to hook up with a girl, you have to go for her on that level from the start.

Do not befriend her and then reveal your feelings later on in some sort of big display. Trust me on this. It will not work.

Nine times out of ten, she already knows what your feelings are anyway. You are about as likely to compete with her on that level as she is likely to compete with you in sports or video games.

So anyway, points for originality in some ways, Kick Ass, even though I think you took a few missteps.

Now, if only I could sort out my own feelings, having gone on a date with a dude. Hm…

3 thoughts on “Kick Ass, the Review”

  1. Emily

    What you say in that large-font-size section is almost always very true. Guys: listen to Jim.

  2. jim

    Also, girls listen to Jim. And hold still.

  3. Jason

    It was a lovely evening. Thank you for driving me home.