Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

All day news, all night news

I have never really understood the addiction to 24 hour news. Every time I watch those channels for any length of time it just seems like a bunch of very attractive people repeating themselves. Very Attractive Professional Information Deliverers, I call them.

As much as I admire Wolf Blitzer’s beard, for instance — I believe it to be the most perfect beard in the world — I’m just not able to care about whatever he’s talking about when he has to stop every few minutes to cut to the latest news from Frito Lay or Coca Cola. Add to that the constant efforts to scare the bejeezus out of me and I’ll just go without the news, thanks.

When I bring this up in polite conversation, the predominant question seems to be “Well then, where do you get your news?” and my answer is “I don’t need news.” Maybe I’m an uncaring ass, I don’t know.

I do read a lot of blogs, so maybe I feel they are a good substitute much in the same way a college student might feel that a candy bar and an energy drink are a good replacement for a meal.

Now, I’m not one of those people who is lurking at your house party and waiting for the chance to say “I don’t even have a tv”, even though I think that’s an excellent way to sound erudite, and, as we all know, erudition drives the ladies wild. No, I own a TV that displays movies and video games frequently.

But when I am presented with 24-hour news channels or regular television, the constant stopping to sell me things really breaks up the flow. It reminds me of traveling through the city by car where, apparently, I am obliged to stop at every single red light and stop sign. Contrast that with riding a bicycle in the city, where red lights are a welcome place to rest and talk to my fellow riders, or collect insightful comments from the local citizenry regarding transportation alternatives.

It’s like trying to listen to a couple who have only recently started dating tell a story. They’re so excited about the story and each other that they don’t mind being interrupted for tangential facts and side notes. Now if you imagine that the story is designed to interest you by scaring you half to death, and the couple is playing a game where if they stop talking for any length of time they’ll be fired from their jobs, you’ll have a great reason to wander away and see who is in the kitchen.

After all, that’s probably where the snacks are.